And then there were four...an adoption memory

If nothing ever changed, there'd be no butterflies. 

~ Author Unknown

Change became our constant companion when we started our adoption journey.  We were introduced to new thoughts, ideas, feelings and people.  Our lives were put under a microscope and a great many demands were placed on us by different agencies and governments. Of course, change happens any time you add a child to a family, including those little challenges you encounter when your first child is expected to accept the intrusion of a second child into their little world.  


This was the case for us and our daughter, Sera.  We brought Kyle home in June.  The summer was full of swimming, picnics and dealing with the adjustments that Kyle was going through.  He had great difficulty with the time change from Ukraine to the U.S.  He refused to go to sleep at night which meant we were all a little sleep deprived.  There were several other issues that we were dealing with.  I remember him being so terribly tiny.  He was healthy overall, but there were many aspects of having lived in a baby orphanage his whole life that required an extra amount of attention.


The attachment issues were enormous.  Our new little son had never attached to anyone.  We felt that it was necessary for us to be his main source of contact ... his only source of nurturing.  He needed to get deeply acquainted with us before he got to know other people.  It was necessary and the benefits were tremendous.  However, it was exhausting.  The three of us gave everything we had those first three or four months helping our new baby adjust to his new family.


By the time summer was over and we started moving into Fall, the new had worn off.  Sera had always been excited about the "idea" of a new sibling and God even worked something very special in her heart to accept her new brother.  But after the excitement of having the new "toy" (aka, baby brother) began to fade, Sera was longing for the life that she had known and loved in the pre-Kyle days. We loved our little boy and we were seeing progress with him almost daily.  But for Sera, she was missing her life as she had known it when she had her mom and dad all to herself.  There was an appreciation for the little boy who had joined our family, but she was realizing that the changes she had so bravely endured those first few months were permanent.  


One day she was spending some time drawing and when she was done, proudly presented her artwork to me.  I stood there looking at the picture and then at my daughter's beaming face.  She had drawn a family picture.  Unfortunately, there was something missing from the drawing.  More accurately, some-ONE was missing.  Sera had drawn a lovely picture of her life -- her life the way she remembered it and desired for it to be again...her dad, her mom and one child -- Sera.  


I didn't know which to do, laugh or cry.  As she stood there waiting for a response I was praying for God to help me talk to her about the fact that something was missing from her picture.  I knelt on the floor beside my precious four year old and complimented her on her lovely artwork.  "There are only three people in the picture, Sweetie.  Can you tell mommy who they are?"  She eagerly informed me, "that's daddy, that's you and that's me", as she pointed to each of her stick figures.


We had a little discussion about the obviously missing person.  With such sweetness in her voice and no apparent disrespect for this new little brother she had inherited, she asked me, "Mommy, can we give him back or sell him?"  


Give him back?!  Sell him?!  I talked gently with my daughter about how this was not only impossible, but that we didn't want to do either of these things.  I explained that I understood how she felt and that we needed to pray for God to place a love in her heart for Kyle.  


With the adoption, my daughter had experienced tremendous change and had handled it so well.  But it was hard.  Her life would never be the same.  Fortunately, change is not necessarily a bad thing. This little chrysalis was about to become a butterfly.  


A few weeks later Sera presented me with another of her drawings. My heart was delighted when I saw that in this picture my little butterfly had made room in her heart for her new brother. Immediately, this drawing was framed and placed on the table that held all of our family photos. It was a beautiful and memorable day because we had been a family of three...and now we were four.

Sera, Beulah and Kyle - an adoption experience memory

"Buuuuuuu-luh ... listen Mommy, isn't it beautiful? ... Buuuuuuuu-luh."


Sera had found the baby name books and being the always helpful four year old, she had taken this task quite seriously.  From A - Z she began scouring the books to find the perfect name for her new baby sister.


After delivering Sera through C-section a couple of years earlier, my husband and I had decided that it wouldn't be wise to put my body through carrying and delivering another baby at my age. I remember very well the evening my husband called me over to a bench beside the pool to talk with me. I remember this well because my husband is very quiet and is most often not the initiator of conversation. I also remember it well because I was not sure why he wanted to talk, he seemed a little serious and I was a bit concerned that maybe something was wrong.


But to my delight, my sweet husband wanted to talk about expanding our family. He told me that he felt we had enough love in our hearts for another child, enough financial resources and enough room in our home. This began our journey down the adoption pathway.


When all the phone calls were done, paperwork was completed and we were accepted by a Christian Adoption Agency, we found ourselves preparing to travel to Ukraine. Since we already had a little girl, had purchased a pretty bunk bed bedroom suite, and were told we would most likely come home with a little girl, we began thinking and planning in that direction.


Sera was convinced from the beginning that we would be bringing home a little sister and she was taking it upon herself to find the perfect name. It was while looking through the books of baby names one particular evening that she happened upon the name, Beulah. For whatever reason, this name attached itself to her attention and had no intentions of letting go. She ran around the house the  whole evening delighted with the beautiful name she had discovered. Her excitement was quite humorous as she would say the name over and over. And every time she said the name it was as though she was transported to some special, fanciful place.


We laughed along and put her to bed that night not expecting to hear any more about Beulah. Well, we could not have been more mistaken. Beulah was here to stay.


Sera made a point of telling everyone at church that we were getting a new baby sister and her name was Beulah. "Isn't that a beautiful name?" she would ask. Every day she talked about Beulah and told everyone she spoke to about this new addition to our family.


A few months later my husband and I were in the southern Ukraine city of Kherson. We had traveled there from Kiev where we had been shown paperwork on a little 16 month old boy. While we hadn't planned on adopting a little boy, we had been told that this was a "good baby" -- meaning there wasn't any history of mental illness in his family and no known drug or alcohol abuse in either of his parents.


We agreed to meet this little boy and arrangements were made for us to leave early the next morning with our Ukrainian driver, Valeri, who knew very little English. My husband and I rode for seven hours in a van without seat belts, over the roughest road certainly known to man, bouncing around the back seat like two pieces of popcorn in a popcorn popper.


Everything about this adoption process was new and unknown. We didn't know what to expect at any point along the way. When my mom asked how we would know which baby we were suppose to come home with I told her, "we'll know because the baby will have KNITTEL written across it's forehead."  The truth was, we didn't have any idea how we would know. But I was confident that God would make it perfectly clear to us.


As we stood in the dark hallway waiting to go into the Orphanage Director's office we looked at each other with such helpless expressions on our faces. We were totally at the mercy of God. He had brought us to this place at this time and we were definitely not in control. I remember praying just before we walked into the room, "Lord, if this is our baby, please make it obvious."


After we met with the Director and everything seemed in order, she sent for the baby. We waited for what seemed a lifetime until finally the door opened and a woman walked in carrying a tiny little blonde-headed boy named Dema. This very small little boy had spent the entirety of life viewing his tiny little world from inside his desolate bed. But to our surprise, as he entered the room, his smile caused the already sun-filled room to become brighter. It was as though he threw open his soul on the stage of our hearts and declared, "Hello!  I'm Dema!"


We took turns holding him. I checked him over as best I could under the watchful eye of the Director, Social Worker, Caregiver and translator. My eyes were first drawn to his beautiful blue eyes that seemed to disappear whenever he smiled. And his smile...it was magical. As he sat on my lap I took his hands in mine and found myself praying, "Lord, these are good hands. These hands were designed by You to do great things."


My husband and I were asked what we thought.  Did we like him? Did we want him? Did we need time to think about it? We looked at each other, still helpless and trusting God to make His will clear to us. Finally, my husband said to me, "I don't have any reason to say 'no'." It was amazing to me when I heard him say this because it was exactly what I was thinking. We knew that this was our baby and there weren't any hesitations for either of us.

Once our decision was made the officials began preparing all of the paperwork and we found ourselves once again at the mercy of God in a foreign place filled with unusual and questionable proceedings. We felt a need and a desire to finalize the adoption quickly and leave the country with our baby. However, we had been told that we would need to leave him in Ukraine and return a month later. There were other issues that were creeping in and causing us some anxiety and concern.


One day, after praying, I decided to trust God that we were leaving. I began to pack, stepping out in faith that the adoption papers would be signed and we would be allowed to return home. That night I sat in bed unable to sleep and crying out to God on behalf of our little boy. There seemed an urgency for him to be set free from his current situation of life in a baby bed. He needed to be loved and caressed. He needed nourishment and stimulation. He needed sunlight and exercise. He needed to belong ... to be part of a family who would love him and care for him.


Isaiah 61 came to my mind so I began to read; "The Spirit of the Sovereign Lord is on me, because the Lord has anointed me to preach good news to the poor. He has sent me to bind up the brokenhearted, to proclaim freedom for the captives and release from darkness for the prisoners, to proclaim the year of the Lord's favor ... to comfort all who mourn..." I started getting excited about what God was about to do in the life of our son. There was a renewed confidence that this child was about to be released from the darkness that had invaded his small world for so long. The Lord's favor was on him and very soon he would be set free.


But as I continued reading in the book of Isaiah I was brought to my knees at the marvelous and amazing preparation the work of the Holy Spirit had been doing in our family.  In ways that we were not aware, God had been at work in all of our hearts, even in the heart of our four year old daughter, Sera.

Isaiah 62:2-4  "...you will be called by a new name that the mouth of the Lord will bestow. You will be a crown of splendor in the Lord's hand, a royal diadem in the hand of your God. No longer will they call you Deserted, or name your land Desolate. But you will be called Hephzibah, and your land Beulah; for the Lord will take delight in you..."  

Beulah.


All along the Lord had been whispering the new name in our daughter's spirit.  No longer would Dema be deserted and alone.  No longer would he be confined to the desolate bed that had been his world for 16 months.  No longer a lonely orphan.


We were in and out of the judge's chambers in less than 12 minutes. For reasons unknown, the Prosecutor never appeared in court and the judge who heard our case had never heard an adoption case prior to ours.  She was all smiles, and after a few brief questions she granted the adoption and waived the mandatory waiting period. We were free to make arrangements to take our son home immediately. Apparently, in Ukraine, in this region, this was never how adoption court played out. The officials who attended the court proceeding were astonished and all struggled to explain what had happened. And though they did not understand who the One true God is, they agreed with great joy and certainty that there was someone in the heavens who had shown us favor like they had never seen.

Our daughter quickly accepted that we were bringing home a little brother instead of a sister and just as quickly accepted that his name would be Kyle (and not Beulah). I will always be grateful for how God prepared my daughter's heart to receive her little brother. I remain convinced that He was working in her spirit in ways that we simply could not comprehend.











And although I never named any of my children Beulah, I feel that I will forever be partial to the name and I will never forget the important role she played in the life of our family. 

Daily Heart Devotion 6/21/11

I am realizing again today that my understanding of Who God is falls terribly short.  For some reason I keep trying to fit God into the small boundaries of my understanding. Lovingly, He comes along and blasts the retaining walls.  Over time I've found myself trying to make the space bigger in order to house Him.  I wonder if I'll ever accept that He does not fit in a box of any size, no matter how large.

This morning I have been stopped in my tracks and stand in awe because of a small sense of His greatness that has filled my spirit. There is a deepness to His love that I have yet to discover.  Love that cannot be exhausted or consumed.  He lavishes love on His children with every breath.  It does not cease.  It will not end.

Our lives are a series of starts and stops.  But with God there is no beginning and there is no ending.  He is Love.  He is Faithful.  Always has been.  Always will be.

My heart yearns for a deeper understanding and knowledge of Who God is.  I feel silly when I realize that I've tried to diminish Him in order to understand Him.  But I am delighted that He keeps revealing more of Himself to me through His word and Holy Spirit.

The song I'm singing today is by Mark Altrogge, "You are beautiful beyond description.   Too marvelous for words.  Too wonderful for comprehension, like nothing ever seen or heard.  Who can grasp your infinite wisdom?  Who can fathom the depth of your love? You are beautiful beyond description. Majesty, enthroned above.  And I stand, I stand in awe of You.... Holy God, to whom, all praise is due, I stand in awe of You."

Daily Heart Devotion 6/20/11

He is God

Hold on, stand strong, it will not be long

He heard, and His Word, says stand still, for He will 

Make all things beautiful, His time is perfect.

He has not been sleeping on the job.

Don't give up, He's working, He is faithful.

Let your life be lost inside His love.

Trust in Him and know that He is God.

These are words to a song I wrote about trusting that God is at work on our behalf.  He is faithful.  We can trust Him.  Even when we don't see what He's doing and it looks to us like He doesn't care...He is faithfully and lovingly at work behind the scenes.  

The second verse says;  On dark days, sing praise, trusting in His ways.  Even, this season, He's for us, His purpose is to make all things beautiful...

Today -- He is for us.  We can praise Him even if our situation seems dark and threatens to discourage us. Praise Him for His endless love.  Praise Him for His faithfulness.  Praise Him because He is God.

Daily Heart Devotion 6/17/11

Waking up to a day of newness!  Lord, I want to see with new eyes.  Give me a fresh perspective and un-jaded attitude.  Let my heart be in tune with the sounds of heaven.  You have put a new song in my mouth!  I want to sing to you a new song, for you have done marvelous things!
Psalm 40:3
Psalm 98:1

Doxology by Gateway Worship

Daily Heart Devotion 6/16/11

Yesterday's mistakes are swallowed up in today's new mercies.  My sin, so egregious, is covered by the extraordinary atoning blood of Jesus.  He calls to me this morning and invites me to join Him in this day that He has made.  He sings over me His songs of love.  I choose to accept this love filled invitation.  Today's opportunities are swallowed up in His grace.  I am His and He is for me.

Click on this link:  Kari Jobe sings "You Are For Me"

Daily Heart Devotion 6/15/11

June 15, 2011
Isaiah 43:1-2
A very dear friend of mine once went through a terrible sadness.  In her grief and times of great uncertainty I saw her tightly cling to the Word of God.  When her world was turning upside down and she was experiencing unimaginable pain she sought comfort by reading God's love letter to her. I watched one day as her eyes swollen from crying sparkled when she shared with me the comfort she had received that day from reading her Bible.  "When you pass THROUGH the waters, I will be with you; and when you pass THROUGH the rivers, they will not sweep over you.  When you walk THROUGH the fire you will not be burned..."  I admit, I had always thought of those verses simply in terms of God being with me in times of difficulty.  But that day she opened my eyes to see the hope and encouragement that God was offering. The difficulty is not permanent. There is hope.  
Be encouraged if you are experiencing a great time of suffering right now. God is with you and you will reach the other side because you are passing THROUGH.

Turn Your Eyes...An adoptive mom's look at bonding

Coming out of the depression of the late 1800s we entered a new era. During this time a new song became popular in our country that was written by a young English woman in 1918.  "Turn your eyes upon Jesus, look full in His wonderful face.  And the things of earth will grow strangely dim in the light of His glory and grace."  


Helen Lemmel wrote this song after reading a missionary tract simply titled, "Focused" that contained the words, "So then, turn your eyes upon Him, look full into His face and you will find that the things of earth will acquire a strange new dimness." The need for comfort, for peace, for answers to life's questions are met in a relationship with Jesus, the author and finisher of our faith. The song has endured throughout the years and it's message of looking to Jesus continues to encourage believers to fix their gaze on the One who is able to meet all of their needs. 


When we adopted our youngest from Ukraine seven years ago, I learned something about the benefits of fixing your gaze on the one who is there to meet your needs. I had done a small amount of reading on adoption, with my main emphasis on international adoption. One topic stood out: the common issues associated with attachment disorder found in institutionalized children. What I took away in my spirit from the information I gathered was very simply condensed to:  the child needs to look at you when you feed him/her.  


I learned that in the baby orphanages the ratio between children and caregivers is such that in order to get all of the babies and toddlers fed the caregivers have to line everyone up and quickly put the food in the mouths of several children at a time. These little ones are not coddled or encouraged to interact. They often sit and stare out a window or into space while food is being put in their mouths.  


This really grabbed my heart because I knew that after giving birth to my daughter the feeding process was quite different. She and I were interacting. I was talking to her, singing, touching her and it was definitely a time of bonding. One continual love-fest. My baby would look at me and watch me intently. We even carried on little conversations while she was an infant, and I, as her mother, provided everything she needed. It seemed a very natural interplay between my baby girl and myself. We were getting to know each other and she was shown love and affection with each diaper change, bathing, feeding and burping. Her needs were being met by someone who loved her as completely as a human is capable of loving.  


Armed with this one piece of information, my husband and I embarked on an adoption journey to Ukraine and found our beautiful baby boy waiting patiently for us. We were in agreement that before we even left to return home we would begin requiring him to look at us when we fed him. This was a difficult decision and subsequent task, but I am convinced this was the absolute best decision we could have made in regard to bonding with our son. 


There is definitely something relational about an infant turning their gaze to the new parents. For my infant son, learning to rely on a loving provider required trust. In the beginning we weren't anyone special in his life worthy of trusting. It took a relentless pursuit on our part to faithfully be present and lavish our love on him before he could accept the relationship he was being invited to join. 


Every time he looked in our eyes there was a small breaking of his own will. Each time he accepted his nourishment from us he was accepting our authority and provision. And every time he looked to us we lovingly and faithfully provided. 


Relationship began to develop.  Little by little bonding occurred. The little boy who didn't like making eye contact or being hugged and kissed began to engage and become affectionate. 


In the baby orphanage my son was provided with shelter, nourishment, clothing and a few of his other basic needs. It would be safe to say he was surviving but he was not thriving. There were important things missing from his life that only loving parents could provide. I remain grateful for that little piece of information the Holy Spirit led me to and that my husband and I were willing to exercise a tough love from day one with our son.  

I am unable to think of this bonding relationship with my son without thinking of my relationship with God. When I turn my eyes toward Jesus there is a breaking of my will.  I am accepting His authority and provision. When I look to Him for comfort, or peace or answers, He is there lovingly and faithfully providing. Being attached to Him takes me from a life of surviving to thriving. The world, assisted by me, myself and I, is able to offer an unfulfilling life of survival. In contrast, when I focus my attention on the One who never tires of lavishing His love on me, my life is full.  I thrive.