And then there were four...an adoption memory

If nothing ever changed, there'd be no butterflies. 

~ Author Unknown

Change became our constant companion when we started our adoption journey.  We were introduced to new thoughts, ideas, feelings and people.  Our lives were put under a microscope and a great many demands were placed on us by different agencies and governments. Of course, change happens any time you add a child to a family, including those little challenges you encounter when your first child is expected to accept the intrusion of a second child into their little world.  


This was the case for us and our daughter, Sera.  We brought Kyle home in June.  The summer was full of swimming, picnics and dealing with the adjustments that Kyle was going through.  He had great difficulty with the time change from Ukraine to the U.S.  He refused to go to sleep at night which meant we were all a little sleep deprived.  There were several other issues that we were dealing with.  I remember him being so terribly tiny.  He was healthy overall, but there were many aspects of having lived in a baby orphanage his whole life that required an extra amount of attention.


The attachment issues were enormous.  Our new little son had never attached to anyone.  We felt that it was necessary for us to be his main source of contact ... his only source of nurturing.  He needed to get deeply acquainted with us before he got to know other people.  It was necessary and the benefits were tremendous.  However, it was exhausting.  The three of us gave everything we had those first three or four months helping our new baby adjust to his new family.


By the time summer was over and we started moving into Fall, the new had worn off.  Sera had always been excited about the "idea" of a new sibling and God even worked something very special in her heart to accept her new brother.  But after the excitement of having the new "toy" (aka, baby brother) began to fade, Sera was longing for the life that she had known and loved in the pre-Kyle days. We loved our little boy and we were seeing progress with him almost daily.  But for Sera, she was missing her life as she had known it when she had her mom and dad all to herself.  There was an appreciation for the little boy who had joined our family, but she was realizing that the changes she had so bravely endured those first few months were permanent.  


One day she was spending some time drawing and when she was done, proudly presented her artwork to me.  I stood there looking at the picture and then at my daughter's beaming face.  She had drawn a family picture.  Unfortunately, there was something missing from the drawing.  More accurately, some-ONE was missing.  Sera had drawn a lovely picture of her life -- her life the way she remembered it and desired for it to be again...her dad, her mom and one child -- Sera.  


I didn't know which to do, laugh or cry.  As she stood there waiting for a response I was praying for God to help me talk to her about the fact that something was missing from her picture.  I knelt on the floor beside my precious four year old and complimented her on her lovely artwork.  "There are only three people in the picture, Sweetie.  Can you tell mommy who they are?"  She eagerly informed me, "that's daddy, that's you and that's me", as she pointed to each of her stick figures.


We had a little discussion about the obviously missing person.  With such sweetness in her voice and no apparent disrespect for this new little brother she had inherited, she asked me, "Mommy, can we give him back or sell him?"  


Give him back?!  Sell him?!  I talked gently with my daughter about how this was not only impossible, but that we didn't want to do either of these things.  I explained that I understood how she felt and that we needed to pray for God to place a love in her heart for Kyle.  


With the adoption, my daughter had experienced tremendous change and had handled it so well.  But it was hard.  Her life would never be the same.  Fortunately, change is not necessarily a bad thing. This little chrysalis was about to become a butterfly.  


A few weeks later Sera presented me with another of her drawings. My heart was delighted when I saw that in this picture my little butterfly had made room in her heart for her new brother. Immediately, this drawing was framed and placed on the table that held all of our family photos. It was a beautiful and memorable day because we had been a family of three...and now we were four.

Sera, Beulah and Kyle - an adoption experience memory

"Buuuuuuu-luh ... listen Mommy, isn't it beautiful? ... Buuuuuuuu-luh."


Sera had found the baby name books and being the always helpful four year old, she had taken this task quite seriously.  From A - Z she began scouring the books to find the perfect name for her new baby sister.


After delivering Sera through C-section a couple of years earlier, my husband and I had decided that it wouldn't be wise to put my body through carrying and delivering another baby at my age. I remember very well the evening my husband called me over to a bench beside the pool to talk with me. I remember this well because my husband is very quiet and is most often not the initiator of conversation. I also remember it well because I was not sure why he wanted to talk, he seemed a little serious and I was a bit concerned that maybe something was wrong.


But to my delight, my sweet husband wanted to talk about expanding our family. He told me that he felt we had enough love in our hearts for another child, enough financial resources and enough room in our home. This began our journey down the adoption pathway.


When all the phone calls were done, paperwork was completed and we were accepted by a Christian Adoption Agency, we found ourselves preparing to travel to Ukraine. Since we already had a little girl, had purchased a pretty bunk bed bedroom suite, and were told we would most likely come home with a little girl, we began thinking and planning in that direction.


Sera was convinced from the beginning that we would be bringing home a little sister and she was taking it upon herself to find the perfect name. It was while looking through the books of baby names one particular evening that she happened upon the name, Beulah. For whatever reason, this name attached itself to her attention and had no intentions of letting go. She ran around the house the  whole evening delighted with the beautiful name she had discovered. Her excitement was quite humorous as she would say the name over and over. And every time she said the name it was as though she was transported to some special, fanciful place.


We laughed along and put her to bed that night not expecting to hear any more about Beulah. Well, we could not have been more mistaken. Beulah was here to stay.


Sera made a point of telling everyone at church that we were getting a new baby sister and her name was Beulah. "Isn't that a beautiful name?" she would ask. Every day she talked about Beulah and told everyone she spoke to about this new addition to our family.


A few months later my husband and I were in the southern Ukraine city of Kherson. We had traveled there from Kiev where we had been shown paperwork on a little 16 month old boy. While we hadn't planned on adopting a little boy, we had been told that this was a "good baby" -- meaning there wasn't any history of mental illness in his family and no known drug or alcohol abuse in either of his parents.


We agreed to meet this little boy and arrangements were made for us to leave early the next morning with our Ukrainian driver, Valeri, who knew very little English. My husband and I rode for seven hours in a van without seat belts, over the roughest road certainly known to man, bouncing around the back seat like two pieces of popcorn in a popcorn popper.


Everything about this adoption process was new and unknown. We didn't know what to expect at any point along the way. When my mom asked how we would know which baby we were suppose to come home with I told her, "we'll know because the baby will have KNITTEL written across it's forehead."  The truth was, we didn't have any idea how we would know. But I was confident that God would make it perfectly clear to us.


As we stood in the dark hallway waiting to go into the Orphanage Director's office we looked at each other with such helpless expressions on our faces. We were totally at the mercy of God. He had brought us to this place at this time and we were definitely not in control. I remember praying just before we walked into the room, "Lord, if this is our baby, please make it obvious."


After we met with the Director and everything seemed in order, she sent for the baby. We waited for what seemed a lifetime until finally the door opened and a woman walked in carrying a tiny little blonde-headed boy named Dema. This very small little boy had spent the entirety of life viewing his tiny little world from inside his desolate bed. But to our surprise, as he entered the room, his smile caused the already sun-filled room to become brighter. It was as though he threw open his soul on the stage of our hearts and declared, "Hello!  I'm Dema!"


We took turns holding him. I checked him over as best I could under the watchful eye of the Director, Social Worker, Caregiver and translator. My eyes were first drawn to his beautiful blue eyes that seemed to disappear whenever he smiled. And his smile...it was magical. As he sat on my lap I took his hands in mine and found myself praying, "Lord, these are good hands. These hands were designed by You to do great things."


My husband and I were asked what we thought.  Did we like him? Did we want him? Did we need time to think about it? We looked at each other, still helpless and trusting God to make His will clear to us. Finally, my husband said to me, "I don't have any reason to say 'no'." It was amazing to me when I heard him say this because it was exactly what I was thinking. We knew that this was our baby and there weren't any hesitations for either of us.

Once our decision was made the officials began preparing all of the paperwork and we found ourselves once again at the mercy of God in a foreign place filled with unusual and questionable proceedings. We felt a need and a desire to finalize the adoption quickly and leave the country with our baby. However, we had been told that we would need to leave him in Ukraine and return a month later. There were other issues that were creeping in and causing us some anxiety and concern.


One day, after praying, I decided to trust God that we were leaving. I began to pack, stepping out in faith that the adoption papers would be signed and we would be allowed to return home. That night I sat in bed unable to sleep and crying out to God on behalf of our little boy. There seemed an urgency for him to be set free from his current situation of life in a baby bed. He needed to be loved and caressed. He needed nourishment and stimulation. He needed sunlight and exercise. He needed to belong ... to be part of a family who would love him and care for him.


Isaiah 61 came to my mind so I began to read; "The Spirit of the Sovereign Lord is on me, because the Lord has anointed me to preach good news to the poor. He has sent me to bind up the brokenhearted, to proclaim freedom for the captives and release from darkness for the prisoners, to proclaim the year of the Lord's favor ... to comfort all who mourn..." I started getting excited about what God was about to do in the life of our son. There was a renewed confidence that this child was about to be released from the darkness that had invaded his small world for so long. The Lord's favor was on him and very soon he would be set free.


But as I continued reading in the book of Isaiah I was brought to my knees at the marvelous and amazing preparation the work of the Holy Spirit had been doing in our family.  In ways that we were not aware, God had been at work in all of our hearts, even in the heart of our four year old daughter, Sera.

Isaiah 62:2-4  "...you will be called by a new name that the mouth of the Lord will bestow. You will be a crown of splendor in the Lord's hand, a royal diadem in the hand of your God. No longer will they call you Deserted, or name your land Desolate. But you will be called Hephzibah, and your land Beulah; for the Lord will take delight in you..."  

Beulah.


All along the Lord had been whispering the new name in our daughter's spirit.  No longer would Dema be deserted and alone.  No longer would he be confined to the desolate bed that had been his world for 16 months.  No longer a lonely orphan.


We were in and out of the judge's chambers in less than 12 minutes. For reasons unknown, the Prosecutor never appeared in court and the judge who heard our case had never heard an adoption case prior to ours.  She was all smiles, and after a few brief questions she granted the adoption and waived the mandatory waiting period. We were free to make arrangements to take our son home immediately. Apparently, in Ukraine, in this region, this was never how adoption court played out. The officials who attended the court proceeding were astonished and all struggled to explain what had happened. And though they did not understand who the One true God is, they agreed with great joy and certainty that there was someone in the heavens who had shown us favor like they had never seen.

Our daughter quickly accepted that we were bringing home a little brother instead of a sister and just as quickly accepted that his name would be Kyle (and not Beulah). I will always be grateful for how God prepared my daughter's heart to receive her little brother. I remain convinced that He was working in her spirit in ways that we simply could not comprehend.











And although I never named any of my children Beulah, I feel that I will forever be partial to the name and I will never forget the important role she played in the life of our family. 

Daily Heart Devotion 6/21/11

I am realizing again today that my understanding of Who God is falls terribly short.  For some reason I keep trying to fit God into the small boundaries of my understanding. Lovingly, He comes along and blasts the retaining walls.  Over time I've found myself trying to make the space bigger in order to house Him.  I wonder if I'll ever accept that He does not fit in a box of any size, no matter how large.

This morning I have been stopped in my tracks and stand in awe because of a small sense of His greatness that has filled my spirit. There is a deepness to His love that I have yet to discover.  Love that cannot be exhausted or consumed.  He lavishes love on His children with every breath.  It does not cease.  It will not end.

Our lives are a series of starts and stops.  But with God there is no beginning and there is no ending.  He is Love.  He is Faithful.  Always has been.  Always will be.

My heart yearns for a deeper understanding and knowledge of Who God is.  I feel silly when I realize that I've tried to diminish Him in order to understand Him.  But I am delighted that He keeps revealing more of Himself to me through His word and Holy Spirit.

The song I'm singing today is by Mark Altrogge, "You are beautiful beyond description.   Too marvelous for words.  Too wonderful for comprehension, like nothing ever seen or heard.  Who can grasp your infinite wisdom?  Who can fathom the depth of your love? You are beautiful beyond description. Majesty, enthroned above.  And I stand, I stand in awe of You.... Holy God, to whom, all praise is due, I stand in awe of You."

Daily Heart Devotion 6/20/11

He is God

Hold on, stand strong, it will not be long

He heard, and His Word, says stand still, for He will 

Make all things beautiful, His time is perfect.

He has not been sleeping on the job.

Don't give up, He's working, He is faithful.

Let your life be lost inside His love.

Trust in Him and know that He is God.

These are words to a song I wrote about trusting that God is at work on our behalf.  He is faithful.  We can trust Him.  Even when we don't see what He's doing and it looks to us like He doesn't care...He is faithfully and lovingly at work behind the scenes.  

The second verse says;  On dark days, sing praise, trusting in His ways.  Even, this season, He's for us, His purpose is to make all things beautiful...

Today -- He is for us.  We can praise Him even if our situation seems dark and threatens to discourage us. Praise Him for His endless love.  Praise Him for His faithfulness.  Praise Him because He is God.

Daily Heart Devotion 6/17/11

Waking up to a day of newness!  Lord, I want to see with new eyes.  Give me a fresh perspective and un-jaded attitude.  Let my heart be in tune with the sounds of heaven.  You have put a new song in my mouth!  I want to sing to you a new song, for you have done marvelous things!
Psalm 40:3
Psalm 98:1

Doxology by Gateway Worship

Daily Heart Devotion 6/16/11

Yesterday's mistakes are swallowed up in today's new mercies.  My sin, so egregious, is covered by the extraordinary atoning blood of Jesus.  He calls to me this morning and invites me to join Him in this day that He has made.  He sings over me His songs of love.  I choose to accept this love filled invitation.  Today's opportunities are swallowed up in His grace.  I am His and He is for me.

Click on this link:  Kari Jobe sings "You Are For Me"

Daily Heart Devotion 6/15/11

June 15, 2011
Isaiah 43:1-2
A very dear friend of mine once went through a terrible sadness.  In her grief and times of great uncertainty I saw her tightly cling to the Word of God.  When her world was turning upside down and she was experiencing unimaginable pain she sought comfort by reading God's love letter to her. I watched one day as her eyes swollen from crying sparkled when she shared with me the comfort she had received that day from reading her Bible.  "When you pass THROUGH the waters, I will be with you; and when you pass THROUGH the rivers, they will not sweep over you.  When you walk THROUGH the fire you will not be burned..."  I admit, I had always thought of those verses simply in terms of God being with me in times of difficulty.  But that day she opened my eyes to see the hope and encouragement that God was offering. The difficulty is not permanent. There is hope.  
Be encouraged if you are experiencing a great time of suffering right now. God is with you and you will reach the other side because you are passing THROUGH.

Turn Your Eyes...An adoptive mom's look at bonding

Coming out of the depression of the late 1800s we entered a new era. During this time a new song became popular in our country that was written by a young English woman in 1918.  "Turn your eyes upon Jesus, look full in His wonderful face.  And the things of earth will grow strangely dim in the light of His glory and grace."  


Helen Lemmel wrote this song after reading a missionary tract simply titled, "Focused" that contained the words, "So then, turn your eyes upon Him, look full into His face and you will find that the things of earth will acquire a strange new dimness." The need for comfort, for peace, for answers to life's questions are met in a relationship with Jesus, the author and finisher of our faith. The song has endured throughout the years and it's message of looking to Jesus continues to encourage believers to fix their gaze on the One who is able to meet all of their needs. 


When we adopted our youngest from Ukraine seven years ago, I learned something about the benefits of fixing your gaze on the one who is there to meet your needs. I had done a small amount of reading on adoption, with my main emphasis on international adoption. One topic stood out: the common issues associated with attachment disorder found in institutionalized children. What I took away in my spirit from the information I gathered was very simply condensed to:  the child needs to look at you when you feed him/her.  


I learned that in the baby orphanages the ratio between children and caregivers is such that in order to get all of the babies and toddlers fed the caregivers have to line everyone up and quickly put the food in the mouths of several children at a time. These little ones are not coddled or encouraged to interact. They often sit and stare out a window or into space while food is being put in their mouths.  


This really grabbed my heart because I knew that after giving birth to my daughter the feeding process was quite different. She and I were interacting. I was talking to her, singing, touching her and it was definitely a time of bonding. One continual love-fest. My baby would look at me and watch me intently. We even carried on little conversations while she was an infant, and I, as her mother, provided everything she needed. It seemed a very natural interplay between my baby girl and myself. We were getting to know each other and she was shown love and affection with each diaper change, bathing, feeding and burping. Her needs were being met by someone who loved her as completely as a human is capable of loving.  


Armed with this one piece of information, my husband and I embarked on an adoption journey to Ukraine and found our beautiful baby boy waiting patiently for us. We were in agreement that before we even left to return home we would begin requiring him to look at us when we fed him. This was a difficult decision and subsequent task, but I am convinced this was the absolute best decision we could have made in regard to bonding with our son. 


There is definitely something relational about an infant turning their gaze to the new parents. For my infant son, learning to rely on a loving provider required trust. In the beginning we weren't anyone special in his life worthy of trusting. It took a relentless pursuit on our part to faithfully be present and lavish our love on him before he could accept the relationship he was being invited to join. 


Every time he looked in our eyes there was a small breaking of his own will. Each time he accepted his nourishment from us he was accepting our authority and provision. And every time he looked to us we lovingly and faithfully provided. 


Relationship began to develop.  Little by little bonding occurred. The little boy who didn't like making eye contact or being hugged and kissed began to engage and become affectionate. 


In the baby orphanage my son was provided with shelter, nourishment, clothing and a few of his other basic needs. It would be safe to say he was surviving but he was not thriving. There were important things missing from his life that only loving parents could provide. I remain grateful for that little piece of information the Holy Spirit led me to and that my husband and I were willing to exercise a tough love from day one with our son.  

I am unable to think of this bonding relationship with my son without thinking of my relationship with God. When I turn my eyes toward Jesus there is a breaking of my will.  I am accepting His authority and provision. When I look to Him for comfort, or peace or answers, He is there lovingly and faithfully providing. Being attached to Him takes me from a life of surviving to thriving. The world, assisted by me, myself and I, is able to offer an unfulfilling life of survival. In contrast, when I focus my attention on the One who never tires of lavishing His love on me, my life is full.  I thrive. 


  
  

Daily Heart Devotion 6/14/11

June 14, 2011

"Joy is the flag flown high from the castle of my heart for the King is in residence there."  I woke up singing these words from an old chorus this morning.  It made me stop and take a look at myself.  Is there evidence of joy in my life, like a flag flying high above a castle?  "Let it fly in the sky let the whole world know that the King is in residence there."  Today is an opportunity to exude the joy I possess, to make known my pleasure in the King who presides over the kingdom of my heart.  He is my  joy and great delight!

Psalm 126:3  The Lord has done great things for us, and we are filled with joy.

                    

Daily Heart Devotion 6/13/11

June 13, 2011
Open my eyes today, Lord. Let me enjoy the beauty of Your creation displayed all around me. But also help me be sensitive to those I encounter whose beauty is camouflaged by suffering and pain. Open my ears. May I hear the sweet sound of Your voice above the noise that will accompany my day.  May my ears also be tuned to recognize the desperate cries of loneliness and despair of the broken ones suffering in silence.
As I move about throughout the day may you be glorified in all I do and say.
Romans 12

Stilled and Quieted (from the archives)

I woke up the other day and the most amazing thought popped into my head, "Yay! God is still on his throne.  That means I don't have to be in charge today!"   This is in such contrast to so many mornings for so many years that I woke up carrying the weight of the world upon me after having difficulty falling asleep the night before for the same reason.  I'm not sure what delusion invaded my heart and mind as I was growing up, but for some reason I felt that if I fretted, thought and planned enough, I could somehow control my life and pretty much anyone around me who needed assistance in that area. 

How refreshing to have finally come to this season of my life where I am beginning to realize that Someone fully capable and competent is already filling the position and does not need my help.  I don't want to mislead you into thinking that I've got this perfected in my life .... no, no, no.  I have merely admitted that He is more exceptionally qualified ... and I am smart enough to realize He does a much better job of being in charge.  Refraining from reigning has become intentional on my part.    

A couple of years ago I found myself struggling with a situation that was taking up way too much space in my brain.  This was my blog entry that day:
  

(5:00am) Be still and know that I am God. Today I am in need of a "decluttering" of my mind. My mind feels like my desk looks. Lord help me to throw away the unnecessary thoughts - organizing and storing what remains in an orderly fashion - so that I can be still before You.

(9:00am) The anxiousness that was creeping in earlier this morning seems to have subsided. Philippians 4:6-7 says, "Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus." I could tell this morning that I needed the peace of God to guard my heart and mind. Thoughts were crowding my mind with such intensity I was unable to sleep. These were not necessarily negative thoughts or harmful thoughts but I would call them unnecessary. They each seemed to be elbowing their way to the forefront like ill-mannered children trying to be the first in line to receive a free ride at the carnival.

As I called on Jesus to help declutter my mind I was able to drift off to sleep and rest a bit more before I needed to face the day. The elbowing thoughts have dissipated and the anxiousness that threatened to intrude has been expelled. His peace -- that transcends my understanding -- has graciously allowed me to be still and quiet in my mind and my heart.

Living a life intentionally surrendered to the Sovereignty of God is a pride pinching process.  Making the decision to surrender was difficult for me. Taking the daily, minute by minute steps in that direction - even more difficult.  But being at the starting line of this phase of my journey and being intentional about living a surrendered life is the most freeing and joy-filled experience I've known. 

I love the One who whispers, "Be still and know that I am God" and leads me beside still waters.  His authority and sovereignty, abilities and unmeasurable love truly make Him the perfect One to be in charge. These truths set the stage for my heart to sincerely prefer to defer ... to let go and let Him be God.  I am cared for exquisitely and can trust him explicitly.  Gratefully my heart can say, life is best lived when I have stilled and quieted my soul.  


Psalm 131:2    

Relationships: A Beautiful Mess

Rules of Relationships

I do not consider myself to be an expert on relationships.  Relationships seemed easier for me when I was a child.  I remember being surrounded by friends and family who knew me and there wasn't really anything to hide or any need to hide anything.

In high school it seemed that the circle of people I felt really knew me was getting smaller and smaller.  By college I began feeling alienated from the comfort of true friends and found myself having difficulty developing meaningful relationships.  Looking back I see that the people who caused me the most pain were suffering from deeply imbedded insecurities and pain of their own.  I was too young and naive at the time to recognize the toxic substance such wounded individuals dump into a relationship.  Consequently, this was a time of sadness in my life.

Fortunately, seasons change and life goes on and God has a way of leading us through difficulties and teaching us as we go.  And what is it that I have learned?  I have learned that there is still much for me to learn about healthy, deep, fruitful, honest face-to-face relationships--whether it is with the highly exalted and Holy Creator God or with a lovely, yet lowly human.

However, I do know this -- the more honest I am with God and the more time I spend with him in this vulnerable state of honesty the sweeter the relationship.  This sweetness brings me great joy.  And there is also immense joy when I find myself willing to relate to other individuals in this same type of honest and vulnerable manner.

It is just too exhausting to attempt to relate to God or anyone else with a "fluffed up" version of me.  I try to present the best of me to God and others, but I am no longer under the delusion that I can somehow alter who I am on the inside by what I present on the outside.  There are times when the best of me might not look all that great on the surface -- but I figure God and those who are my true friends will be able to handle it.

Here in this season of my life, I find that my circle of meaningful relationships is beautiful.  While the circle remains somewhat small it is fruitful and I smile inside with the expectation that it will continue to grow.

Certainly there are rules of relationship floating around that have been determined by individuals more intelligent and eloquent than I.  However, I know that I have learned that relationships take time and effort, interest and honesty, a willingness to "show up" and the courage to trust and even be vulnerable.  I also know that, sadly, some people carry the pain from deep wounding.  Building relationships with them requires special grace and guidance. 

More on Relationships?

Recently I've been thinking about why some relationships seem to come so easily while others do not.  When I think of the 'easy' relationships a couple of things come to mind...mutual respect, common interest, and a healthy view of self.  The not so easy relationships, in contrast, seem to be riddled with disrespect by at least one of the parties, a lack of common interests and sometimes the biggest hurdle is an overbearing party or one who is terribly insecure or needy.

It is interesting to note that some of the easy relationships I've known, while enjoyable for a season, often do not have any depth or enduring qualities. Yet I have witnessed some relationships that were at one point burdensome and wearying turn around and become deep and long-lasting.

There have also been people whom I encountered and an unfortunate misunderstanding or bad first impression caused the birthing of the future relationship to be rough and slow.  Sadly, there have even been relationships that started out relatively easy and enjoyable only to be ended by betrayal.

So why all of this interest in relationships?  I would have to say the main reasons are my current endeavors and on-going struggles with developing relationships with my recently adopted children and what that is revealing to me about my relationship with God and with others.

Interestingly, while I am desiring to build relationships with my children I am finding a deeper relationship growing with God.  I suppose this is due in part to my complete dependence on Him and the amount of time we are spending together as I walk through this part of my journey.  As my relationship with God is deepening I am finding that there is increased deepening of my personal relationships.  Of course, there remain those difficult or broken relationships that have been placed at the feet of Jesus and I leave them there for His divine intervention, in His time.

The relationships that I am trying to nurture and cultivate with my children, these I also surrender to the indescribable wisdom and sovereignty of my Lord, Jesus.  I imagine the future will reveal the developing of more trust, time together will birth more respect and more common interests, and a healing of their hearts' wounds will help to strengthen the bond between us.

Maybe most interesting to me is how God allowed me to see first hand how individuals who are deeply wounded by rejection and abandonment require special grace and guidance in developing healthy relationships.  I've walked through that three times; twice before I was out of my teens and once in recent years.  There was something for me to learn through each of these painful relationships. (did you notice that God knew one was not enough? even before this season in my life He knew I needed a three-fold learning experience:) In His sovereign design for us to be people in relationship with him and each other, he graciously equipped me to give guidance to my children and trust His grace to be sufficient.  

I remain hopeful that, though slow in the beginning and difficult without question, these relationships in particular will grow to be deep and long lasting and well worth the investment in the long run.  God is all about relationships and even though they come with a guaranteed amount of messiness -- they are worth it.

  

click here to hear Jason Mraz sing

A Beautiful Mess

The Longest Flight (from the archives)

Until the summer of 2011 when I flew to Hawaii,  I had only flown trans-Atlantic flights . . . three flights to and from Europe and three flights to and from  Eastern Europe (Ukraine and Russia). While these flights are long, I admit they are not as long as others that last well over the 7 - 8 hours across the Atlantic. But the flight home from Ukraine and the second flight home from Russia each seemed like an eternity.

When we brought Kyle home he was about 17 months old. He had been thrust into our arms -strangers to him - and everything was now new . . . the language he heard being spoken, the food, the atmosphere, the environment - everything in his tiny little world was suddenly disrupted and he was not happy about it. So he cried and screamed the whole flight - with the exception of those few moments when he drifted off to sleep from sheer exhaustion. While it seemed the flight would never end, it did! and we hit the ground running in "bonding mode".

The second trip home from Russia, while very much the same as the flight from Ukraine, was at the same time very different. Before my flight home, Steve had already returned to the States and to our children and his work. I stayed in Russia while all of the documents were prepared for our new children and I to travel to Moscow to the American Embassy where we were to pick up the visas. As the children and I arrived at the train station in St. Petersburg for our 7 hour trip to Moscow I began to realize that obviously the children and I were not on the same page regarding relationship.

While this is all very reasonable, the realization had not penetrated my joyful heart until that point. Steve and I had spent nearly a year and a half diligently working to bring the children home. During this time our hearts were becoming increasingly attached to our 'children'. Even though I knew they would need time to bond with us, I didn't see the full ramifications of our lopsided relationship until it was speeding toward me like a run away freight train.

The trip to Moscow was successful enough but not necessarily as pleasant as you might hope a 7 hour train ride could be. Once we arrived in Moscow we were greeted by the woman who would be handling our documents and our visit to the Embassy. Such a lovely lady, fully Russian but very much westernized and gracious. Unfortunately, I was not to be spending the remainder of our time in Moscow with her, but rather, I was to be locked in a tiny apartment for 3 days with three strangers -- my children.

In His gracious mercy, God helped me to endure the time spent in Moscow. I was able to get the children out of the apartment on several occasions and run some errands. Each trip was bittersweet: it was a delight to get out of the apartment and take in some fresh air with my newly adopted children, but it was difficult navigating my way around a foreign city with three people in my care who were unattached to me.

When it came time for us to leave Moscow, we rose very early and our driver picked us up around 3:30am. We made it through the airport without any problems. I had been warned about all of the questions I might have to answer concerning my US passport and why I was taking 3 Russian children out of the country. Fortunately, I was spared every hardship from the Russian security and we made it to our gate with tremendous ease and quickly boarded the plane for our flight home.

As we settled in for our long journey across the Atlantic Ocean, I became more aware just how un-attached the children were to me. My emotions were as mixed as a can of Planters nuts. I was relieved and grateful that the adoption was complete and I was on my way home to see my husband and children. I was overcome by joy at the amazing faithfulness of God. But I was greatly saddened that the children I loved and had sacrificed so much for in order to be on that plane headed home as family held no regard in their hearts for me. None.

Were they excited about flying to America? Definitely. Were they thrilled about seeing Sera and Kyle and our home again? Yes. Was I their ticket out of Russia for this adventure? Yes. And beyond that, there really wasn't much else.

I found myself dealing with a great amount of sadness on the long trip from Moscow to Atlanta. Part of the sadness was that there was no one there to share my joy. God had done this really amazing thing by adding these beautiful children to our family and there was no one with me who had an appreciation of that and what it meant. I was also saddened by the realization of how much this whole scenario reminded me of God and his relationship with his children. How there have been times in my life when I was not fully attached to Him by a meaningful relationship and was unable to appreciate Who he is in my life and how much he loves me.

While I sat in my seat with my idealized world being smashed by the sledge hammer of reality, I found myself wondering what the coming days, weeks and months would bring. My children had been handed over to my care and taken from everything they knew; language, food, friends, routine, music, lifestyle, atmosphere, environment -- everything was different. I knew they would not be able to bond until they had been able to adjust to the cultural shock. But I didn't have any way of knowing what amount of time would be needed.

I suppose deep in my heart I was hoping they might be finished adjusting by the time we arrived in Atlanta where the bonding could begin. After all it was a very long flight . . . the longest flight . . .

Grace for Grasshoppers

Recently I bought an inexpensive bookshelf to house my small collection of books. Assembling the bookshelf turned out to be a nice project for my younger two boys. And although the assembly wasn't  perfect I was perfectly pleased with how it turned out and extremely proud of the boys for their efforts.

As I began unpacking my books and arranging them on the shelves I noticed something about my collection.  I own only a couple of self-help type books and a large number of books about regular, ordinary people who did extraordinary things in their lives.  I'm not sure what this says about me as an individual or my interests.  At first glance it seems that I'd rather read about other people's exploits than exert the effort to improve myself.  But when I look past that first glance maybe reading about courageous people and how they overcame incredible odds in their lives is beneficial to bettering myself.

David Livingston, Hudson Taylor, Amy Carmichael, George Mueller, Wilbur Wilberforce, Corrie Ten Boom, and others. Their lives seem so large  and full of daring feats.  They appear brave and almost super-human.  In their lifetime they accomplished amazing things and left an admirable legacy.  Undoubtedly, they encountered seemingly insurmountable hurdles and overcame unimaginable obstacles.

I believe that each of these individuals possessed a dream.  An inner desire, a vision that spurred them on.  They also relied on something greater than what they could see. Their lives were not void of struggles or disappointments.  Life for them was not free of pain or failures.  Discouragement often visited their door and they came face to face with their own inabilities and insecurities.

These successful people were not alone in their encounters with the promise and hope of a vision or with the unsettling feeling of defeat and despair they perceived in their reality.  In the book of Numbers we read about how Caleb, Joshua and the other men were sent to explore the land of Canaan and found themselves looking at a land of plenty. Their eyes were filled with awe and wonder at the fruitfulness of Canaan.  However, for some, their excitement for the potential was overshadowed by the imminent defeat they feared.  They felt like grasshoppers in comparison to some of the people living in Canaan.  These men were discouraged and felt insecure and unable to possess the land.

We all have opportunities placed in front of us.  God has good things planned for us. He gives us a vision and a purpose to fulfill.  We see the potential ... grapes so large that they must be carried on poles. Our spirits sense an outcome that is fruitful, plentiful and exquisite.  Then the struggles start piling up.  We begin to see our difficulties as insurmountable.  Some of us quickly retreat and confess defeat.  The dream, the vision, the promise of being fruitful is challenged by what our eyes perceive as too difficult.  Too daunting.  Too big.

I believe that Hudson Taylor, Amy Carmichael, George Mueller and all the others who are examples of courage to me, felt like grasshoppers at some point along the way.  It is certain that they struggled with matching up their vision with their reality.  The obstacles seemed huge.  They felt small.

We may be looking at our opportunities today and wondering how to possess the land. We may be hearing the voices of naysayers, or maybe even the voice inside our own head, telling us all the reasons why we will not succeed.  Paul writes in 2 Corinthians, "But he said to me, "My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.""

The wonderful key available to all of us is relying on God's grace rather than our abilities.  This is a common theme I have found in reading about these incredible individuals in my books.  It isn't about how competent we are or how able we are to make something happen.  The outcome of God's plans for us does not depend on how capable we are in our own strength.

Accept it.  We are weak.  We will face struggles.  We will be discouraged.  We will know defeat.

Fortunately for us, God is able.  And He enables us to be brave and do amazing things for His glory.  Even though we may feel ordinary, we can leave an admirable legacy. The hurdles and obstacles that seem so mammoth in our eyes are not a problem for God. After all, he is God of the universe and he is at work behind the scenes on our behalf.  His grace is sufficient.

The excellent news is this:  there is hope when we trust in the all-sufficient Sovereign God.   And as long as God is on the throne, there is grace for grasshoppers.

Numbers 13

Planted and Blooming

The question asked of the missionary was simple.  "How long was the time spent between first receiving the call and finally being on the mission field?"   The young man asking the question had a personal reason for wanting an answer.  He was eagerly waiting to be accepted into a mission program so that he and his family could get on the mission field.    


I remember looking at the missionary who was sharing with us during our Sunday evening prayer time and expecting him to tell us the number of months or years he had prepared and waited before entering the mission field.  Instead, he quietly made a statement that rang throughout my spirit like steeple bells on Easter morning.  "The most important thing to remember is the call to obedience."


What?  Where was the calendar date?  I'm expecting to hear some kind of time frame and he's talking about obedience.  


The call to obedience might not sound as inviting as the call to missions, or evangelism, or the call to be a teacher or pastor. Yet, as I've thought about this I've come to accept that the call to obedience is fundamental to any call to service we might receive from God. I'm beginning to understand how important it is to be diligent and faithful in my obedience with every part of my life, even if I don't see how or what it is God is calling me to do.

The wait for God's perfect timing - the time we spend waiting for God to make all things ready for us to serve IS the perfect time for obedience. The idea of "blooming where you are planted" seems to go hand in hand with the call to obedience. We shouldn't wait until 'we think we are where God is taking us so we can do what he has called us to' before we answer the call to obedience. Rather, we should accept the call to obedience in the seemingly insignificant stages of our life when we are tempted to become frustrated with waiting for God to use us.


Waiting can seem an unpleasant thing.  Waiting can cause us to become impatient or discouraged or even defiant.  This may be because we're thinking of waiting as being idle, a waste of our time, an inconvenience.  If, however, we are waiting on God it shouldn't be a time of idleness, but readiness - our time not thought of as wasted but fruitful, not an inconvenience but purposeful and delightful.  


Now is the time.  Now is the time to be obedient, to be fruitful.  Now, while we're waiting for the next thing God has for us, is the time to thrive and flourish.  Whatever season of life we are in, wherever we are planted, now is the time to bloom!