Beautiful One

I am terrible about inviting friends to our home.  This is not because I don't want them here, it's just that too often my "good intentions" and my gift of "procrastination" collide with unfortunate results. The gift of hospitality is one that I crave and have spent much time in earnest, purposeful prayer to receive.


Friends that know me well and choose to spend time with me have learned to initiate the "getting together" - in other words, they tell me when they are coming and I make plans to be at home. Let me be very clear:  this is not something I admit easily or proudly. I would much prefer to have the social graces and organizational skills to plan and follow through in such a way that our home becomes a place of blessing often and for many beloved friends.


In praying about my desire to become more hospitable I have discovered a few "unpleasant" things about myself. I am a bit of a perfectionist.  An idealist.  This is probably what feeds my unfavorable tendency toward procrastination. If I am going to entertain friends in our home I lean toward wanting everything to be perfect. I like for the house to be clean and the food to be good.  It is also pretty high on my list to have showered that day and preferably to have applied some amount of makeup.


With gentle hands, God is revealing that I have a little issue with placing unrealistic expectations on myself. These expectations are, for the most part, unattainable and at the very least appear out of reach ... so, I crumble under the pressure and procrastination takes over. I am seeing how this interferes with me being able to trust God with all the details, big and small, of my life.


When we adopted three children from Russia a little over four years ago, trusting God took on a whole new meaning in my life. Adding three non-Engish speaking children to our family changed our lives in some very drastic ways. Simple things were now challenging.  Creating and maintaining a peaceful home environment was difficult. Homeschooling five children was physically and emotionally taxing. The house was not necessarily ever clean.  The energy and time necessary to plan meals and buy groceries often seemed overwhelmingly lacking. Most days a shower and  makeup were swallowed up by a more pressing and urgent need in our home.


While we have made huge advancements in the transition and we now experience a much more orderly and peaceful lifestyle, we still struggle with the daily challenges of life. God is faithfully answering prayer and working in all of our lives. We have seen countless miracles and evidences of His grace and mercy stamped all over each of us. But sometimes, living in the middle of growing in Christ is not pretty.


This adventure of faith, the journey we are on, is a wonderful and interesting experience. It has changed things in me I never knew needed changing. The recent years have caused me to live "breath by breath" dependent on God. My abilities and strength are not enough ... but His grace is sufficient -- His mercies new every morning -- His strength made perfect in my weakness.


So, yesterday when a friend suggested coming to our house this afternoon so our kids could swim and we could visit, I said yes.  In fact, here is a glimpse into my life and the communication with my friend.

I would warn you that "I'm a mess" but I think you already know that !!!!  ... God is so amazingly good.  It's actually refreshing in a strange sort of way, that I am surviving - so much solely by grace-  that I don't have the strength or desire to "put on airs" or try to "dress up" my life to try and make a good impression on people.  I didn't realize how much I must have done this in the past.  But God is delivering me from that, all the while He is blessing and molding, refining and moving me further and further into the center of his will.  It's not pretty but He is lovely.  
The sweet aroma of worship clears the air of the smelly filthy rags that are gathering at my feet as His righteousness is replacing mine.  

Her response:  

As I grow closer to the Lord, the more painful it is .... but beautiful because we are being molded into His image .... we are being stripped away.  So, I will be coming dressed in my filthy rags today .... full of gratefulness that He is the 

beautiful One.  

I am delighted that God is allowing me to grow in His grace. It is exciting to know that He is not interested in me continuing to place unrealistic expectations on myself. He doesn't need me to "dress up" my life to make it acceptable. He desires me to become more like Him, to love with His love, and to allow His beauty to fill my life...

He has made everything beautiful in its time. He has also set eternity in the hearts of men; yet they cannot fathom what God has done from beginning to end.  Ecclesiastes 3:11

It is good for me to be reminded that my goal is not that people see and be impressed with me, but rather they see me and be impressed with the Jesus in me.  And as my friend reminded me today, He is the Beautiful One!  

Touched by Grace

• This is a song I wrote a few weeks ago after having the opportunity of going downtown and sharing the love of Jesus with those living on the streets.  
  
  
  Touched by Grace
  words and music by Terha Knittel
  copyright 2012
  
  
  all who are broken
  wounded by life and
  living alone on this night
  if you are hungry
  cold and discouraged
  come to the Savior
  come to the Light
  
  beautiful light
  beautiful love
  beautiful truth to believe
  beautiful comfort
  hope and forgiveness
  beautiful grace to receive
  
  come receive from Him
  life that's worth living
  come taste the feast He prepares
  come drink of water
  filled with His goodness
  come let Him clothe you with
  garments of praise
  
  beautiful light
  beautiful love
  drawing you into new life
  beautiful rescue
  peace and abundance
  beautiful hands reaching you
  
  those who've received Him
  who walk in His freedom
  those who have feasted on
  His bread of life
  look all around you
  lives lost in darkness
  we are the salt and the light
  
  beautiful light
  beautiful love
  beautiful voices of praise
  beautiful rest
  beautiful healing
  beautiful lives touched by grace

Necessary Inconvenience

Inconvenient: 1) not easily accessible or at hand: The phone is in an inconvenient place. 2) inopportune; untimely: an inconvenient time for a visit. 3) not suiting one's needs or purposes: The house has an inconvenient floor plan

troublesome, awkward, or difficult

Can any good come from inconvenience?  This hardly seems possible since by it's very definition the word inconvenient appears so negative.  Not convenient, not opportune, not timely, troublesome, awkward, difficult .... that's a lot of negative.  And yet, we happen upon inconvenience quite frequently. 

This morning I was notified by my heating pad that it was no longer willing to provide heat.  I am heating pad dependent.  My husband says I'm like a reptile that needs a heat rock.  Sometimes I like the use of heat on an aching muscle and often I just like, for no particular reason, the warmth a heating pad generates.  So this morning I was greatly disappointed that, even though the little red light was "on", the heating pad was not fulfilling it's intended purpose.  

And then I remembered an older heating pad that I pretty certainly believed was in the closet.  

What I thought was going to be a momentary glance over the shelves to locate the brightly colored orange and yellow heating pad turned into an inconvenient thirty minute clean-up.  Although I didn't immediately see the heating pad I did notice a white cord that looked promising.  As I attempted to find what I was hoping would be the heating pad at the end of the cord I set off an incredible avalanche of items that spilled out onto the closet floor.

Unfortunately, the main item to fall was my little sewing basket.  It's not actually a sewing basket but rather a lovely little basket one of my sisters-in-law made years ago.  Since I am not a seamstress and have little hopes of becoming one, I have never had a real sewing basket...the kind with a lid.  

As I began the arduous task of locating and gathering all of the needles, pins, buttons, spools of thread, etc. I realized that this inconvenience was, in all honesty, necessary.  It was necessary for me to organize my "sewing" supplies more properly.  Organizing a sewing basket would make it easier to find what I'm looking for when the kids need something from my sewing basket AND with a secure lid there would be less chance of the contents spilling all over my closet floor again.  (note to self:  since I don't use the contents of the sewing basket and only have one to store items the kids need, maybe I should just set each of them up with their own baskets ...)

The inconvenient mess and subsequent clean up....One more inconvenient phone call or last minute change in plans that totally mess up an intact schedule....Children who, at the very last possible moment, show up at the door ready to leave for church with clothes that either do not match, do not fit, are not in season or just plain look goofy.  We deal with inconveniences all of the time.  On second thought, maybe we encounter inconveniences but don't deal with them so well.  

When I am inconvenienced there seems to be an opportunity for me to grow. The question is - will I take the time to find the good that can come with the untimely, inopportune, troublesome, inconvenient, difficult interruptions that cause me discomfort? An inconvenience can reveal a change that needs to be made.  Maybe I need to be a little more organized, a little more patient, a little less self-centered.  I have a feeling I should accept that the inconveniences that come may, at times, be necessary. 

And I'm sure glad I noticed the straight pin that landed inside one of my shoes.

definition provided by Dictionary.com 

   

Gratitude's Awkward Glance

Choosing to live with a grateful heart does not mean that our life is void of difficulties ... but when we choose to be grateful our difficulties fade in comparison to His overwhelming greatness. ♥

This journey of being intentionally grateful is interesting. It appears that by nature I have a tendency to whine. Complaining is the choice much easier made on most occasions. I believe there are people who are more naturally prone to viewing life through a positive lens. They tend to glide through adversity and difficulties with effortless oblivion. However, in many people, including myself, I believe being able to find the positives in life takes a conscious, willful effort.  

Being grateful is a choice and not a by-product of perfect situations. We will always have opportunities to whine, gripe and complain. But each time we choose gratitude it's like adding another brick to the remodeling project God is doing in our lives. He makes all things new! The life built by the bricks of gratitude is a beautiful life. ♥

How then do we reconcile our declaration to choose gratefulness with pain and difficulties we encounter in life?  This is the question that has rattled around inside of my heart the past couple of days as I have suffered a blow to my pride that has caught me off guard. Let me explain. Several years ago my husband and I set out on a journey of following God into the land that He would show us ... adoption. Like Abraham, we set out not having any idea where we were going or what it would look like. We learned about walking by faith and not by sight. Armed with the assurance that God is faithful and that His plans and purposes for us are good, we became pilgrims in a new land.

What we have experienced over the past nine years is a delightful and treasurable mixture of unmeasurable joy and seeming unfathomable pain. We have also been privy to His incomparable provisions, undeniable grace and inexplainable abundance in every area of our lives. There is a richness found when we are emptied of ourselves and find that we are in a place of utter dependence on God to sustain us with each breath. He comforts us when we are otherwise distraught. His wisdom abounds when we cry out and confess that we are completely clueless. There is peace that cannot be explained in times of turmoil. And joy jumps out of the shadows and satisfies our souls with strength to carry on.  

With each of the four children we have been blessed with through adoption there is a story. Each child has a specific purpose placed in them by their Creator God. They have their own dreams, desires, gifts, pains and self-will. It is an overwhelming thought that God has entrusted them to our care and one that we have humbly accepted knowing full well that we walk in His steps. Grace guides our feet and mercy melts our hearts daily.  We have a continual succession of triumphs and failures, set-backs and progress ... often within moments of each other.  

Simply put, parenting is an arduous task in all cases. I remember how incompetent I felt with parenting one biological child. But when God called us to parent adopted children as well, my husband and I answered the call trusting that God would enable us to do the impossible. And while we were sincere, there was no way to calculate the range of "impossible" we would encounter. 

For me, I recognized early in the journey that I was experiencing a persistent pricking of my pride. I realized this must be an area where God intended to work and He has. It is amazing to me that God felt I was a candidate for such a task as adoption. At the same time, He has been very gracious by allowing me this privilege -- 

We have spent several years praying about a particular child's needs and crying out to God for wisdom. All of our best efforts did not seem to be meeting with success. Everything we tried seemed to be failing. We continued to pray, to try -- and it seemed certain that we were running out of ideas and that we had long since reached the end of our abilities to effectively reach this particular child. While we knew that God had been with us all along we desperately needed Him to intervene in an even more visible way. So why did my pride scream and my flesh react when lovingly and faithfully He started to reveal His wisdom to us?

...my rant went something like this, "why did you set me up for failure? You know what our child needs and you knew that it was not within our parenting skills to help this child.  I have wasted four years of my life dealing with this constant source of upheaval in our home.  Four years I have not been able to parent my other children appropriately due to the distractions and disruptions caused by this child.  For four years I have been so exhausted by trying to parent this child I have not felt able to have basic conversations with my other children.  I have sought You and cried out to You -- because I knew I was unable to do this on my own.  You have stripped me down to bare skin, crushed me into dust and now You kick me in the stomach with showing me all of the parenting mistakes that have been made.  Do You think I didn't know this?  Do You think I haven't lamented over the awareness of how ill-equipped I am?  .... You should have placed this child somewhere else, with a proper mother who could have done in months or a year what I've been unable to do in four years.  Go ahead.  Tell the whole world how miserably I have failed."

Yep.  Pretty much your basic self centered, pride filled tantrum.  *sigh*

...and then I looked up and saw Gratitude glancing at me rather awkwardly. I wanted to scream, "Not Now!  Do not expect me to be grateful at this moment!"  

I admit that it became necessary to dig down deep in my efforts to be intentionally grateful. The fact that the parts of my life that show on the surface may not be especially delightful at the moment doesn't mean there is not a vast treasure deeply embedded beneath. The richness of Who He is and how He loves is always a great place to start.  

At times we can stand on the shore and without stepping foot in the water marvel at the beauty of the ocean, maybe even see dolphins play. Snorkeling provides a greater view of the ocean and the beauty that lies beneath. But putting on SCUBA gear and exploring the depths reveals beauty not visible from the shore. So it is with our lives and gratitude. We will have times that our circumstances give us great cause (and ease) for being grateful. There will be times when we purposefully pause and meditate on all the ways our lives have been blessed and subsequently become aware of greater beauty. And when we make the effort to dive down deep we find that there is no end to all that blesses our lives.  

In the middle of my recent melt down, God spoke to me through a dear friend who sent me the following quote:  

                          Wess Stafford, president of Compassion International writes:  

"I have become convinced that if God stands a child before you, for even just a minute, 

it is a divine appointment."  

  

Am I embarrassed that I allowed myself to rant at God? Yes.  Therefore, I have spent a few days reflecting on incredible truths. Truth is -- the past four years have not been wasted. Truth is -- God knew exactly where to place our child.  Even though I may not understand His ways, I know that His ways are perfect. Truth is -- God will graciously provide everything that each of my children need because that's Who He Is. Truth is -- God has equipped us and enabled us moment by moment. In ways too numerous to count, we have seen God faithfully at work in our family. Truth is -- I have been exhausted at times, but I have also seen a deepening of my relationships with my children, not a lessening. Truth is -- God has blessed us with five beautiful children and filled our hearts with ever-increasing love for each of them.   

In the middle of all of the heartaches and stressful moments spent parenting adopted children, the choices made to be grateful have set into place a beauty within my life and my family that I cannot describe with words. And I would not trade the path God has led us down for He has filled our lives with joy. As long as I have breath within me I choose to live with a grateful heart.  

  

Your Word in Me

Your Word in Me

I found a recording of this song that was done at church about six years ago.  My daughter, Sera, made a video to go with the song.  Even though it is not a professional recording, I pray that your heart is blessed by the song and it's message.

http://www.godtube.com/watch/?v=K67L6GNX