Prepare the Way

When Christmas comes my thoughts give way

To memories of yesterday

Of family and friends held dear

Traditions passed from year to year

But in my heart I realize 

I'm drawn by truth to recognize

The "giver" and the "gift" so great

The reason why we celebrate.

It's more than hearing carols sung

And seeing Christmas stockings hung

And pageants held on special nights 

The stories told, the sparkling lights

God's gift fulfilled a promise made 

Through Christ our debt of sin is paid

Throughout the world God's light did shine 

This gift both human and divine.

So I will sing the carols old

And listen to the stories told

Of angels singing in the night

Of shepherds and a star so bright

I'll share the news and gladly tell

Of God with us -- Emmanuel

And in my heart prepare the way

To worship Christ this 'holy' day.  

Dear Jesus, I pray that my understanding of Christmas reflect my knowledge of You and my message of Christmas reveal my relationship with You.  May my celebration of Christmas grow beyond the romance of the holiday.  I desire to worship You in spirit and in truth.  


by Terha Knittel, first printed in an Advent Devotional in 2000 

Life Happens

Life happens.  At times it comes at us like a runaway freight train. Other times it seems to creep along at a snail's pace. And something inside of me always longs for the days when it occurs at a moderate and perfect pace of my choosing.  

But this life I'm living is not my own. The day I've been given is a gift that has been shared with me, but it doesn't belong to me. The sun and the spinning earth that determine when it is day and night, do not answer to me.  The loving God who created all things, who tells the sun when to shine, and who wraps up each day as a gift filled with grace and mercy, is a Master Designer. My times are in His hands. 


His plans for each of us are good. When we walk with Him, He withholds no good thing. When life happens sometimes it is messy and ugly and painful and filled with demanding and difficult situations.  


But when our lives are in His hands, He gives us everything we need as the Holy Spirit navigates a path for us. All of our days are filled with just enough moments, sustaining strength, just the right amount of grace, the perfect amount of wisdom, and more love than our hearts can contain.


Life happens. Sometimes it's not pretty. But my life in His hands equals beauty.  


from Dec. 8, 2011 Daily Heart Devotion

Time to panic?

Today I looked at the calendar for the first time in quite a while.  Using my stellar math skills I have determined that the day we celebrate Christmas is 10 days away.  This new realization, added to what I already knew -- that I've not made any progress in purchasing gifts -- makes me wonder:  should I be panicking about now?!?

I love Christmas.  I love giving and receiving gifts.  Unfortunately for my family and friends, I don't do well when it comes to joining these two things together. My first problem is that I don't really enjoy shopping.  Enough said.  The second problem is that I prefer to give gifts throughout the year and not do an obligatory blowout on one day.  

There is also the unsettling commercial aspects of Christmas. How do we carve out a place of genuine beauty and simplicity in a landscape of excessive winter holiday commercialization?  Have we made this day of celebration into a season of idol worship?  I know that sounds a bit harsh, and you should know that I do not pretend to have any answers.  

Celebrations are not a bad thing.  The giving and receiving of gifts is a lovely part of family, friendship and a wonderful way to express appreciation. Parents love to give gifts to their children.  But I wonder if we don't often get caught up in the foot race that is the public display of "Christmas spirit" and neglect the personal dedication to daily "walk in the Spirit." 

I am making a choice not to panic.  We will celebrate Christ's birth and the gift of His love for us.  There will be laughter and singing and food and fun -- with memories made together as a family.         

Am I a scrooge?  No.  I do not believe that I am.  Will my children have presents on Christmas morning?  Yes.  I believe they will. But in order for that to happen I need to do some shopping.  Herein is love -- that I will shop for Christmas presents for my children even though I do not enjoy shopping. Oh, and then there's the wrapping.  Did I mention that I don't enjoy wrapping presents!?!    

note to self:  do not panic!

Unexpected Opportunities  
How quickly my day can be filled with unexpected opportunities (a.k.a. challenges and obstacles, difficulties and stress inducers). I really want to be a person who can roll with the punches and accept these opportunities with open arms, ready to experience the blessings that are hidden beneath the facade of being unexpected, unwelcomed, unintended, unbecoming and untimely.


When my plans are interrupted or ten more things are added to an already busy morning, I am easily frustrated. I see my time and ability to perform compared to the enormity of what I feel is expected of me. When I do this, I lose. Accepting my inabilities and weaknesses is really quite freeing. Being reliant on His strength and power at work allows me to accomplish the seeming impossible. Trusting in His unfailing faithfulness lets me rest in His arms when the whirlwind that consumes my life spins and turns.  

So, this morning when my husband called and told me the heating/air guys were on their way -- totally unexpected to me -- definitely not on my schedule -- and just something I really didn't want to have to deal with today -- I panicked. (*blush*) How my flesh cries out when I am pinched.  

But in His marvelous, gracious, loving kindness, God came near. As I looked to Him and let Him know how completely unable I was to handle this particular unexpected opportunity, He loved me. He held me close and allowed me to breathe. I imagine He was singing a song of encouragement and love over me.  At least that's how it felt.  

The hidden blessing of this particular unexpected opportunity ... maybe that the children will be warm as they sleep tonight, or that the wet rug was discovered in the boys bathroom before it ruined the floor. It is also possible that the hidden blessing came as the unexpected opportunity sent me to my knees and I was provided a few extra moments of intimate snuggle time with God this morning.  

Living the Best Days of My Life

Musings by the fire

The cool temperature this morning gave me the excuse I needed to build a fire in the fireplace.  This is the first one since last winter.  I enjoy having a fireplace and I love sitting in front of it when its bed is filled with glowing embers and the flames twirl and leap like choreographed dancers on top of the logs.  The crackling and wooshing sounds compose their own beautiful melody and I find myself slowing down and taking a few moments to reflect.

I am much older than I used to be.  This has become plainly apparent to me lately. There are the obvious physical indications. Gravity is making it's mark on my physical appearance, wear and tear is much more noticeable on my joints, over time the sun has affected the look and texture of my skin, and my eyes -- my eyes are not as young as I remember them being.

In addition to the physical evidences of aging, I have noticed that my life experiences have affected how I perceive life in general. This seems to be somehow closely braided with my spiritual journey. I suppose it is all part of a natural maturing process.

Reflecting with a grateful heart is sometimes overwhelming.  When I stop and realize the magnitude of God's blessings in my life, it almost takes my breath away.  So many wonderful gifts have been presented to me over the years.  They are a pleasure to open and are accompanied by smiles and giggles, fun and laughter, abounding in feelings of joy and excitement. 

But struggles and difficulties are also a part of life. We all experience them.  We may not share the same strain of hardships, but we all know how it feels to walk through times of suffering.

We've probably all known darkness that felt all-consuming.  The kind of pain that tears at the heart and feels like it will never end.  Maybe an illness of your own, or that of a family member or dear friend. You may have experienced a broken relationship, the death of someone very dear, or endured the heartache of divorce.

There have been times in my life when I felt as though the darkness of the difficulty I was experiencing would drown me.  I have even entertained thoughts on occasion that God was not near and was not going to help me.

Pain is real. Heartaches happen. Darkness does seem to veil His face at times. In these hours of distress we can become a slave to our circumstance, crippled by despair and paralyzed by fear, or we can place our hope and faith in God.

Is it possible that God can use these great sorrows in our life for His glory?  A friend of mine posted a quote on Facebook recently:  Some of God's best gifts must be unwrapped in the darkness. Think of your last major trial. What "good thing" did the Lord slip into your hands in those difficult days? (Joni Erikson)  Joni Erikson knows something about struggles and difficulties.  She has endured sorrow and heartache.  As a young women with her whole life ahead of her, she suffered a neck injury that left her a quadriplegic, bound to a wheelchair and totally dependent on others to care for her most basic of needs.

I admit that I have not experienced a struggle of this magnitude, but I believe that I have been presented with gifts that were unwrapped in the darkness of trials that seemed unbearable.  In the middle of unspeakable assaults upon me by the enemy of my soul, God came near.  I love this quote by Chuck Swindoll:  ‎"When you persevere through a trial, God gives you a special measure of insight. You become the recipient of the favor of God as He gives to you, and those who suffer with you, something that would not be learned otherwise." 

Because God is good I can enjoy life.  As I sit here in front of the beautiful fire that burns in my fireplace I can reflect on the amazingly good life God has given me and say confidently that I wouldn't want to have experienced it without my share of sorrow.  All along the journey I have witnessed His faithful provision.

One of my favorite provisions, beyond the obvious love for my husband and children, is something that causes my heart much joy.  God has given me the gift of amazing friends.  My life is filled with awesome friends that far exceed what I could have ever hoped for or imagined.  Beautiful people with lovely hearts.  Individuals who cause me to laugh and who inspire me to grow and shower me with love and acceptance.

My skin may be losing the fight with gravity and sun damage, my joints and eyes may evidence my years on earth, but my journey is sweet.  My heart declares that every day is made by God and whether it is filled with sunshine or rain, it gives reason to rejoice.  Indeed, I am living the best days of my life.  

On My Knees -- a prayer song for our pastor

We were blessed yesterday to celebrate our Pastor's 50th birthday.  I was honored to contribute a small part to the celebration by writing a song for the worship service.  And while I wrote the song with our pastor in mind, I believe it speaks to all of us and the wonderful privilege we have of accessing the Father through prayer.  Prayer is an amazing gift we have been given by a loving God who desires a full and intimate relationship with us.


On My Knees
words and music by Terha Knittel
copyright 2011
Etched within the emptiness I sometimes feel
When strength to handle one more thing does not exist
In corners dark, elusive answers are playing hide and seek
Despair has mocked my faith and fear has raised it's fist -- at me


My hope is found when to the ground
My knees come to a rest
Bowed beneath a weight I simply cannot bear
I am here in this holy place of prayer


CHORUS

Down on my knees I will find all I need

Down on my knees I'll find You're all I need

As I look to You

And I trust in You

Here with you, on my knees

The heart holds all His faithfulness that time reveals
I'm not alone, or on my own, He lives in me
In tender moments held within His warm embrace
My spirit soars and once again my heart is free


My hope is found when to the ground
My knees come to a rest
And every question, every burden, every care
Is heard inside this holy place of prayer


CHORUS
Down on my knees I will find all I need

Down on my knees I'll find You're all I need

As I look to You

And I trust in You

Here with you, on my knees


(bridge -- )
I called Your name, You came

Your heard me, healed me
Your love has overwhelmed me
Your grace sufficient held me
Strength when I am weary
Power when I'm weak
The comfort I rely on
You're the wisdom that I seek

CHORUS

Down on my knees I will find all I need

Down on my knees I'll find You're all I need

As I look to You

And I trust in You

Here with you, on my knees

Everyday Reality: Ostrich Need Not Apply

On second thought...if reality was covered with marshmallows 

it would cushion the impact when it hits you 'up aside the head' 

AND the marshmallows could then be used as a tasty topping 

to a nice cup of hot chocolate (diversion therapy :)

( Terha Knittel, Facebook, 9/14/11)

When reality comes at you like a jumbo jet and uses your face as a landing field ... it's kind of hard to miss it.  I wonder if this is why we are sometimes prone to living like the proverbial ostrich with our head stuck in the sand.  There are certainly times when this way of dealing with life seems easier. No confrontations. No accountability. No responsibility for holding anyone accountable.  No messy stuff.  Preferring to see things the way we'd like them to be rather than the way they are. Living oblivious to life sounds tempting at times, but it's not real.  It's not truthful.  It's not safe.

Reality must be met head on.  Life must be lived with our eyes open and our ears in tune to what is going on around us.  And we must love.  We must forgive.  Seeing the unbelievable and the undesirable. Hearing the hurtful and regretful. Recognizing our own faults and being willing to accept that we are all faulty. 

The dictionary says disenchantment and disillusion result when we see the harshness of everyday reality. But when we fix our eyes on Jesus, the author and perfecter of our faith, he is our great delight.  The reality we face might affect us, but it doesn't need to destroy us.  And we must forgive. We must love.

There is a genuine-ness to love that is expected of us. Romans 12:9 says, "Love must be sincere. Hate what is evil; cling to what is good."  Somehow we find a balance between opening our eyes to truth and choosing to love.  Often truth is ugly.  It reveals information we would rather not know or have known about us.  But we gain very little by ignoring truth in order to escape unpleasantness. To be sure, we are not given the freedom to pronounce judgment and dole out vengeance in the name of truth.   Walking in the Spirit allows our love to be genuine. Galatians 5 tells us the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, forbearance, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness and self-control.  The Spirit led life permits us to live and worship in truth amid the harsh realities of life.

Jesus doesn't love us because he turns his head and lives oblivious to our sin.  He loves. Period. He is able to know the deep inner secrets of our lives and, in spite of how unpleasant that may be, he loves us anyway.

We should not be afraid of facing the realities of life or avoid truth in order to remain unshaken.  Life is hard.  We are sinful people.  But we can walk in truth and love if we allow the Holy Spirit to do his work in our lives.  Walking in the Spirit becomes a much more fulfilling and safe place to live rather than with our heads in the sand.

Public Displays of Affection

One of the truly amazing truths about our God is that He came near!  He came to us and desires to be in relationship with us.  He has instigated the relationship. The God of the Universe who holds the world in his hands wants to hold my hand.  That's a personal aspect of relationship often referred to as p.d.a. (public display of affection).  It is a marvelous, humbling privilege to be desired by the God of All Creation and be aware of his beautiful affection for me.

In a song written by John Mark McMillan, How He Loves, there is a phrase he uses that is not usually heard in the radio versions of the song.  

So Heaven meets earth like a sloppy wet kiss

Talk about public display of affection!  He came near -  bursting on the scene with a huge outpouring of love.  This wasn't a reserved, conservative, socially acceptable display!  He held nothing back and didn't care who was looking.  He came near - unable to contain Love.  

And our response .... is it reserved?  Are we being too conservative?  Do we run our displays of affection for Him through the filter of what is deemed socially acceptable?  I wonder, are we holding back, concerned about whether anyone is looking? 

When all of a sudden, I am unaware of these afflictions eclipsed by glory, And I realise just how beautiful You are, And how great Your affections are for me. 

Oh, how He loves us! Maybe this should be declared The Year of Public Displays of Affection for the Awesome God of Love who is all about holding hands and sloppy wet kisses....huge, demonstrative displays of affection.   

Imagine My Delight

On a Thursday morning, about six years ago, during my bible study and prayer time I was thinking about individuals who had encountered the living Christ.  In my mind I saw the scene of Jesus at the well with the Samaritan woman.  It's a beautiful story from the Bible found in the fourth chapter of John.

I began imagining this same woman several years down the road sitting with other women and young girls who had gathered around her ... wanting to hear her story again.  As she recalls the details there are flash backs to those moments at the well.  I imagine her heart full of joy as she tells them how desperate she had been ... and how beautiful He was.  With smiling eyes brimming with tears she shares how she felt when He looked into her eyes and the way her heart melted when He spoke to her.

We read that this woman returned to her town and proclaimed, "He told me everything I ever did" ... truly there is nothing hidden from Him.  Tucked within this story is a beautiful scripture about worshiping in spirit and in truth. When we allow our encounter with Jesus to change us there is a deep sense of gratitude and devotion.  For me, this enables and equips me to worship ... to know that He is fully aware of who I am and all my sin, and yet I am aware of His unfailing, redeeming love for me.


To worship in spirit; with every part of my being, throwing myself into His arms.  And also to worship in truth; sincerely, knowing that I cannot hide anything from Him.  My life has been forever changed by Jesus.  The gratitude and devotion that swells within me finds expression through a lifestyle of worship.

These are the words I wrote that Thursday morning:

Imagine my delight when Jesus came to me
When He came close and looked into my eyes
My aching heart was warmed within His beauty
I felt His love could fill the empty skies


His tender touch caused all my fears to vanish
His kindness gripped my jagged, jaded soul
He spoke to me and all the world grew quiet
The chaos became calm in His control


Jesus came into my life so sweetly
Jesus changed my life, He gave me beauty
He looked beyond my cold and empty stare
And then He spoke to me
I fell into His arms, He held me tight
He changed my life forever
Imagine My Delight!

Falling Leaves and Football

As we stepped outside this morning, the 77 degree weather seemed perfect for our first day of school.  When I was young we always started school just before Labor Day.  The mornings were usually a little cool, as were the evenings, and during the school day it would get very warm.  But we could tell that Fall was just around the corner.

Growing up in Southern Illinois, Fall was always my favorite season.  I loved the crispness in the air, the beautiful colors of the leaves that would soon fall to the ground. Leaf houses were waiting to be made on the lawn by forming lines with small piles of leaves to represent the different rooms, and then quickly raked into large piles to jump in. Most importantly, leaves on the ground meant football season was well under way. 

Living in Georgia, I find it difficult to start school when it is 105 degrees outside.  I'm always torn by whether to wait until after Labor Day or starting the school year early.  So this morning we began and I was very grateful for the lower temperature which made it feel more like the first day of school for me.

Our morning began with our traditional "first day of school breakfast out" ... and this year we went to the new local Bojangles.  I even allowed the children to have sweet tea, because it's just not right to go to Bojangles and not drink the tea.  This allowance on my part has been revisited in my mind several times already today.  Just not so sure my kids really needed the sugar and caffeine, but I guess I can manage a little extra "energy" on this special occasion.

I was so blessed as we sat together eating breakfast and talking about the upcoming school year.  It is a joy to see all four personalities interacting.  There is something very special about educating at home and watching the special bonding that is taking place in our family.  My children really seem to enjoy being together and this blesses me more than I can express with words.   

Today we spent time going over schedules, organizing lockers and school supplies.  We are working on some projects to help us with time management and daily schedules.  It will take a little time to settle in to our new routine, but I am confident that we can handle all necessary adjustments to make our school days go as smoothly as possible.

My friend, Gina, made a comment in a recent Facebook post:

Reminding myself: Academic subjects are only tools to teach our children to articulate the truths of God. After all isn't that the purpose of life?

As I begin this new school year, I am reminding myself of my role in my children's education.  My prayer is that they will be excited about learning and catch the vision of being lifelong learners.  In addition, I pray that they will learn how to know God and will love Him and serve Him all their days.

Now that school has officially started it's time to set aside the lazy days of summer and jump into Fall.   I don't know about you, but I'm ready for the changing of the leaves, some cooler mornings and evenings ... and a little football on the side.

Passing Through

A very dear friend of mine once went through a terrible sadness.  In her grief and times of great uncertainty I saw her tightly cling to the Word of God.  When her world was turning upside down and she was experiencing unimaginable pain she sought comfort by reading God's love letter to her. I watched one day as her eyes swollen from crying sparkled when she shared with me the comfort she had received that day from reading her Bible.  "When you pass THROUGH the waters, I will be with you; and when you pass THROUGH the rivers, they will not sweep over you.  When you walk THROUGH the fire you will not be burned..."  I admit, I had always thought of those verses simply in terms of God being with me in times of difficulty.  But that day she opened my eyes to see the hope and encouragement that God was offering. The difficulty is not permanent. There is hope.  

Be encouraged if you are experiencing a great time of suffering right now. God is with you and you will reach the other side because you are passing THROUGH.

Isaiah 43:1-2

Perceived as Lovable

When Jesus was asked the "trick" question about which was the greatest commandment, he replied, " 'Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind'.  This is the first and greatest commandment.  And the second is like it:  'Love your neighbor as yourself.'  All the Law and the Prophets hang on these two commandments." 

Everything hangs on love.  The greatest commands we've been given hang on love.  All the laws, all the prophecies, how we are to live, how we serve, all the promises, all the blessings, our commitment to Christ, our daily interactions with people, our relationships with friends and family, our mission, our jobs, our ministry ... everything must have love at the center.

Unfortunately, in reality this may seem difficult even on our best days with people we like the most -- spending time doing the things we most enjoy.  But it doesn't change the truth that we are called to love. 


Love must be intentional.  Love for God and others must be pursued.  It must be nurtured.  I find myself unable to love the way I'm supposed to on my own.  But I've also discovered that this is to be expected. I'm learning that I must love with His love...love that is sincere and true. True love comes from God and my ability to love is measured by the purposeful attention I pay to receiving love from God.


We all want to be loved and most of us probably have moments when we can be pretty easy to love.  And yet, none of us are perfect. Although it's easier to love those who are "lovable", we don't get off the hook simply because we perceive someone to be less than that.  Praise God, Christ loved us and gave his life for us even though we were not perfect.  He has set the standard for us and how we should love. 


How good it is to know that Christ's love for us is not the kind of love that gets thrown around these days -- on one minute and off the next.  It is encouraging to know that His love is not determined by our charm or manipulation.  Neither is His love deterred by our appearance and behavior at its worst. My grateful heart is overwhelmed that Christ's love for us enabled him to perceive us as lovable.  

Feathers and Wings

This picture came in an email the other day.  I find it very beautiful and moving to me, both as a mother of my children and  as a child of God.  The Scripture verse that accompanied the picture in the email was Psalm 91:4  He will cover you with his feathers, and under his wings you will find refuge.

How perfectly this photo captures the essence of that verse.  How reassuring and comforting to see this beautiful example of being covered and protected by feathers and wings.  

Time to Listen

With five kids in the house, usually all talking at the same time, I find that I spend quite a bit of the day not listening to them.  I've become so used to all of the chatter that I often just tune them out.  That is terrible, I know.  Even more terrible is that I have been known to wear headphones just so they would think I was listening to something else and I would not be expected to listen to them.  I am recognizing that I need to become a better listener.

Listening is a very important skill.  It requires an intentional effort of being quiet, a turning of your attention in a specific direction and a certain degree of sincere interest. In our world full of chatter it is easy to tune out the noise and neglect the effort to listen.  My youngest often takes my face in his hands and turns my head toward him so that he knows he has my attention. Apparently he has learned that from me when I've wanted him to listen to what I was saying to him.

Not only do I find myself not listening to my children as I should, I also fail at times to listen to God.  This has prompted Him to lovingly cup my face in His hands and turn my gaze toward Him. "Look at me, Terha.  I am saying something important that you need to hear."

Listening to God is a crucial element in my relationship with Him.  There are times when not listening to God might be associated with a rebellious spirit or deliberate disobedience. But for me, most of the time my failure to listen is due to my spiritual head phones of laziness and busy-ness.

I remember learning about prayer being conversational.  When I heard this idea of a two way conversation between me and God it revolutionized my prayer life.  I talk - He listens.  He talks - I listen, (keeping in mind the old adage that I have two ears and one mouth so I should listen twice as much as I speak.)  Of course, it would be easier some times if He would speak in an audible voice so that I could be certain of what He's saying.  Even so, by His grace I'm learning to recognize His voice with greater certainty and regularity.

Tuning out sometimes seems easier than exerting the energy it takes to listen. However, being a purposeful listener will definitely benefit my relationship with God and with my children.  Therefore,  I think it's probably time to take off the spiritual and physical head phones that I've grown accustomed to wearing ...  and listen.

My Common Vessel, His Noble Purpose

God is so incredibly merciful and His grace astounds me.  My faith has been stretched and I have seen marvelous things on this journey.  ... it is so beautiful to look back and see what God has brought us through.  My heart jumps up and down when I realize how magnificent He is and how unfathomable His love is for all of us.  My unworthy vessel has been used by the God of creation for a noble cause and I am blessed.  

These words are taken from an e-mail I wrote today. I was writing to someone I met recently and sharing about our experience with adoption. My husband and I were lovingly led down the path to adoption four years after the birth of our daughter. There is no way we could have seen into our future and visualized where we are today. We set out on a journey with our trust and our hope placed in the hands of the all-wise God. Struggles and difficulties plainly positioned themselves along the way, but we have seen the faithfulness of God revealed in countless, compassionate ways.

After sending this e-mail I began to ponder what my heart was attempting to express. My mind focused on two passages of Scripture;

It does not, therefore, depend on man's desire or effort,

but on God's mercy. 

Does not the potter have the right to make

out of the same lump of clay some pottery for noble purpose

and some for common use?

Romans 9:16, 21

Do your best to present yourself to God

as one approved,

a workman who does not need to be ashamed 

and who correctly handles the word of truth.

In a large house there are articles not only of gold and silver,

but also of wood and clay; 

some are for noble purposes and some for ignoble.

If a man cleanses himself from the latter,

he will be an instrument for noble purposes,

made holy, useful to the Master and 

prepared to do any good work.

2 Timothy 2:15, 20-21

There have been seasons in my life when I have frowned upon God, as the Potter, and his unacceptable forming of my clay. Honestly, that sounds so ridiculous as I type. Who did I think I was?  I obviously didn't have any clue about who God IS! Why did I think that I could do a better job of designing my life? I assume it was a miserable mixture of arrogance and ignorance with a dash of delusion thrown in. 

My mind was often filled with what I perceived to be noble purposes. I dreamed of fulfilling the will of God ... I envisioned His will lining up with my inventions and intentions. My mind would invent a worthy use for my life and my heart would stand ready to endorse my intent.  This was all such an obscene and ostentatious exercise that would be laughable if not for being so egregious.  

All the while, a gentle, kind, loving Father patiently and continually looked on. My life is like a well-read book. His faithful provision has dogged-eared the pages. His loving heart has highlighted portions of my text. I see His handprints all over the lines of my life. His pen of grace has underlined, circled and written countless notes in the margins. Some passages reveal more wear than others. Undoubtedly, each word was carefully chosen, each chapter clearly written.   

I've always seen myself as common. Over time I have surrendered my commonness to His lordship. No longer do I question His design, nor do I have any desire to expend energy in that pursuit. I desire to be His instrument. I want Him to use me in His timing, where He feels best and how it most suits Him.  

In this season of my life it suits Him to bless me in our home with my husband and our five children. He allows me to experience His never late provision in remarkable ways. Just this week I have witnessed Him provide answers to questions that have perplexed for an extended amount of time. To arrive at  solutions to these dilemmas was beyond my reach and I was left completely at His mercy. This has become a familiar place. A place of blessing.  

No longer do I frown upon God's abilities to be God. Although He had no obligation to prove himself or His worthiness to me ... He has! The profound nature of the truths He has revealed during our adoption experiences inspires me to continue to look to Him in all things. He gave me a gift when He chose us for adoption.  And His plan for me to be a wife and mother is a present I would have never dreamed so excellent. 

He saw what I could not have known.  He knew how His design would transform my heart and my life.  He was aware of the life He had for me and He knew it was extraordinary!  It is humbling, yet delightful, to know that He takes my common and unworthy vessel and uses it for His noble purpose.  

Crazy's Just Not That Far Away

Taking a little trip to Crazy today. 

It's not very far. Shouldn't take long to get there. 

Just hope I can find my way back home.

These are the words I posted on Facebook this afternoon.  I have so many things pressing on my mind and chewing up time lately that I feel I'm not getting anything accomplished.  The number of major decisions I'm needing to make rather quickly is making my head spin.  

It seems I'm having difficulty recognizing God's peace.  Sometimes the path seems clear and other times it's as though a thick fog prevents any visibility.  I'm trying to not succumb to the stress or throw my hands up in despair, but I'm noticing today how very thin my wall is between peace and anxiety.  Paul writes in the book of Philippians "Do not be anxious about anything, but in every situation, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God."  He goes on to say, "And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus."

Recently I've been working on closing out last school year and finalize the coming school year.  I hate to admit that it has not gone as well as I would like.  I love it when everything goes smoothly and all the pieces fall into place on my timetable. Sometimes God's timing just seems so wrong!  There are times when I've been convinced that He is running late.  I am ashamed to say this, but I have even on occasion blurted out that He just didn't care enough or He would have met my need the way I wanted, when I wanted.  

Over the years, though, God has proven faithful in all things.  His timing is absolutely perfect and beautiful all the time.  I've witnessed how loving and concerned for me He really is.  I was wrong to have thought otherwise. 

So I am older now, and as David said in Psalm 37, "I have never seen the righteous forsaken or their children begging bread."  I am confident that God will provide whatever is necessary.  He is working even now on all the details to make everything ready for me to make the right decisions, as I so desperately desire. He will lead me through the fog or He will clear it, but either way I will trust Him to lead me beside still waters where I will know peace.

With all the anxiety that is constantly on stand-by just waiting for an available seat in my heart, I am certain of how necessary it is for me to trust Him, rest in Him and keep the communication open between us.  Otherwise, it could all just about drive me crazy ... and crazy's just not that far away.  :)

UPDATED: Kitchen Proposition Progress?

Meal planning is going really well so far.  Monday night the kids were in VBS so I planned for my husband and I to eat Japanese ... at a small, local Japanese restaurant.  Since that plan went so well, and my kids were still in evening VBS, on Tuesday night I planned for us to eat German food ... at a small, local German restaurant.

Ok. So I'm not getting off to a very good start.  But I just couldn't see wasting the opportunity for the two of us to go out and have dinner alone.  That just doesn't happen very often around here.

On a positive note, Steve and I have been able to have a couple of productive parent/teacher conferences.  I'm trying to finalize all of the details for school next year. Next year...unfortunately, next year is just around the corner.  In reality I probably have less than four weeks before the new school year commences.

I value Steve's wisdom and input and support when it comes to our children's education.  He listens to all of my ideas and the things I've discovered through my research for curriculum.  After we pray, discuss, and pray some more, he shares his thoughts and opinions.  Together we make the decisions for each of our children and their particular educational needs.

Now that I realize the new school year is so rapidly approaching I'm thinking we may need at least one more parent/teacher conference to finalize our decisions for the school year.  And the sooner the better.   Hmmmm......what should my meal plan for tonight be?  Chinese, Italian, Tai, Mexican, Creole/Cajun......

Update 7/14/11
I had one reader suggest Rheinhart's fried Shrimp for our planned meal last night.  While a good suggestion, my hubby chose a little Italian restaurant in Grovetown, Armando's.  He had chicken parmigiana, Sasha (my soft hearted husband invited our eldest son to tag along :) had a meatball sub, and I had a delicious pizza.

If you have not tried Armando's, I would recommend it.  It is a very nice place and the food we've had is very tasty.

But I must report that there has been no further accomplishment or forward progress with the meal planning .... yet.  My new goal is to be up and ready to implement a meal plan next Monday.

Since my husband invited our son to join us for dinner last night we were unable to have our parent/teacher conference concerning decisions for the rapidly approaching new school year.  So..... I'm thinking we have this evening available since the kids are still in VBS.  I guess I need to quickly plan what we're going to have for supper tonight ...

Kitchen Proposition

If it was considered a healthy diet I could eat some kind of chips (with and/or without dip or salsa) and drink ice cold Dr. Pepper for just about every meal.  Crazy thing is, besides the fact this diet is not considered acceptable, my husband and children don't share my opinion!  They prefer meals consisting of real foods.

Their desire (and apparent dietary need) for a more balanced and diverse diet creates a constant strain on my culinary creativity.  I currently have MAYBE a dozen meals in my rotation.  Recently, much time has been spent in prayer and contemplation about how to become more organized and purposeful in meal planning and expansion...of meals in the rotation NOT my waistline.

I have a friend who runs circles around me with her projects around the house.  She is one of those...sewing, decorating, painting, baking, cooking, planning, organizing, etc. So, rather than be discouraged by watching the amount of things she gets accomplished compared with the tiny amount I seem to attempt, I have decided to be inspired by her meal planning.

Every Monday this friend puts together a meal plan for the week. This makes sense. I'm sure it is a good thing. My kids are always asking me "what's for dinner, mom"? With a meal plan I would be decked with delicious answers without a bit of hesitation. But, I must admit I'm a bit stymied by the size of the task. No matter how good it seems or how much sense it makes, it all feels overwhelming to me.

Armed with my friend's weekly meal plan and a very helpful blog she introduced me to ... the time of execution has come. I am mustering up every ounce of courage I have to make this huge step from my comfort zone into an unknown arena.  Meal planning and menu expanding time is here.  I am using my blog to hold me accountable.  If I can be diligent and disciplined I believe this will be a wonderful endeavor.  Praying that I don't fail!  :)  My cousin posted a quote the other day on Facebook,

“That which we persist in doing becomes easier for us to do; not that the nature of the thing itself is changed, but that our power to do is increased.”

I am hopeful that if I am able to persist in this new kitchen proposition it will become easier along the way.   It is a pleasant thought to be prepared to give an answer when my kids ask "what's for dinner, mom?" ... because right now my general, all purpose answer is "food."