The Longest Flight

I've only flown trans-Atlantic flights . . . three flights to Europe and three flights to Eastern Europe (Ukraine and Russia). While these flights are long they are not as long as others that last well over the 7 - 8 hours across the Atlantic. But the flight home from Ukraine and the second flight home from Russia each seemed like an eternity.

When we brought Kyle home he was about 17 months old. He had been thrust into our arms -strangers to him - and everything was now new . . . the language he heard being spoken, the food, the atmosphere, the environment - everything in his tiny little world was suddenly disrupted and he was not happy about it. So he cried and screamed the whole flight - with the exception of those few moments when he drifted off to sleep from sheer exhaustion. While it seemed the flight would never end, it did and we hit the ground running in "bonding mode".

The second trip home from Russia, while very much the same as the flight from Ukraine, was at the same time very different. Before my flight home, Steve had already returned to the States and to our children and his work. I stayed in Russia while all of the documents were prepared for our new children and I to travel to Moscow to the American Embassy where we were to pick up our visas. As the children and I arrived at the train station in St. Petersburg for our 7 hour trip to Moscow I began to realize that obviously the children and I were not on the same page regarding relationship.

While this is all very reasonable, the realization had not penetrated my joyful heart until that point. Steve and I had spent nearly a year and a half diligently working to bring the children home. During this time our hearts were becoming increasingly attached to our 'children'. Even though I knew they would need time to bond with us, I didn't see the full ramifications of our lopsided relationship until it was speeding toward me like a run away freight train.

The trip to Moscow was successful enough but not necessarily as pleasant as I would hope a 7 hour train ride could be. Once we arrived in Moscow we were greeted by the woman who would be handling our documents and our visit to the Embassy. Such a lovely lady, fully Russian but very much westernized and gracious. Unfortunately, I was not to be spending the remainder of our time in Moscow with her, but rather, I was to be locked in a tiny apartment for 3 days with three strangers -- my children.

In His gracious mercy, God helped me to endure the time spent in Moscow. I was able to get the children out of the apartment on several occasions and run some errands. Each trip was bittersweet: it was a delight to get out of the apartment and take in some fresh air with my newly adopted children, but it was difficult navigating my way around a foreign city with three people in my care who were unattached to me.

When it came time for us to leave Moscow, we rose very early and our driver picked us up around 3:30am. We made it through the airport without any problems. I had been warned about all of the questions I might have to answer concerning my US passport and why I was taking 3 Russian children out of the country. Fortunately, I was spared every hardship from the Russian security and we made it to our gate with tremendous ease and quickly boarded the plane for our flight home.

As we settled in for our long journey across the Atlantic Ocean, I became more aware just how un-attached the children were to me. My emotions were like a can of Planters mixed nuts. I was relieved and grateful that the adoption was complete and I was on my way home to see my husband and children. I was overcome by joy at the amazing faithfulness of God. But I was greatly saddened that the children I loved and had sacrificed so much for in order to be on that plane headed home as family held no regard in their hearts for me. None.

Were they excited about flying to America? Definitely. Were they thrilled about seeing Sera and Kyle and our home again? Yes. Was I their ticket out of Russia for this adventure? Yes. And beyond that, there really wasn't much else.

I found myself dealing with a great amount of sadness on the long trip from Moscow to Atlanta. Part of the sadness was that there was no one there to share my joy. God had done this really amazing thing by adding these beautiful children to our family and there was no one with me who had an appreciation of that and what it meant. I was also saddened by the realization of how much this whole scenario reminded me of God and his relationship with his children. How there have been times in my life when I was not fully attached to Him by a meaningful relationship and was unable to appreciation Who he is in my life and how much he loves me.
While I sat in my seat with my idealized world being smashed by the sledge hammer of reality, I found myself wondering what the coming days, weeks and months would bring. My children had been handed over to my care and taken from everything they knew; language, food, friends, routine, music, lifestyle, atmosphere, environment -- everything was different. I knew they would not be able to bond until they had been able to adjust to the cultural shock. But I didn't have any way of knowing what amount of time would be needed. I suppose deep in my heart I was hoping they might be finished adjusting by the time we arrived in Atlanta where the bonding could begin. After all it was a very long flight . . . the longest flight . . .

More on relationships?

Recently I've been thinking about why some relationships seem to come so easily while others do not. When I think of the 'easy' relationships a couple of things come to mind . . . mutual respect, common interest, and a healthy view of self. The not so easy relationships, in contrast, seem to be riddled with disrespect by at least one of the parties, a lack of common interests and sometimes the biggest hurdle is an overbearing party or one who is terribly insecure or needy.
It is interesting to note that some of the easy relationships, while they were enjoyable for a season, often do not have any depth or enduring qualities. While I have witnessed some relationships that were at one point burdensome and wearying be turned around and become deep and long-lasting.
There have been people whom I encountered and a misunderstanding or bad first impression caused the birthing of the relationship to be rough and slow. And then there have been relationships that started out relatively easy and seemingly good only to be ended by betrayal.
So why all of this interest in relationships? I would have to say the main reasons are my current endeavors and on-going struggles with developing relationships with my recently adopted children and what that is revealing to me about my relationship with God and with others.
Interestingly, while I am struggling to build relationships with my children I am finding a deeper relationship growing with God. I suppose this is due in part to my complete dependence on Him and the amount of time we are spending together as I walk through this part of my journey. And as my relationship with God is deepening I am finding that there is an increased deepening of my personal relationships.
There remain those difficult or broken relationships that have been placed at the feet of Jesus and I leave them there for His divine intervention, in His time. Also remaining are the relationships that I am trying to nurture and cultivate with my children. These I also surrender to the indescribable wisdom and sovereignty of my Lord, Jesus. I imagine in time there will be more respect, more common interests and a healing of deep woundedness in each of them that will help to strengthen our relationships. I remain hopeful that, even though slow in the beginning and difficult without question, these relationships with my children will grow to be deep and long lasting and well worth the investment in the long run.

Rules of Relationship

I do not consider myself to be an expert on relationships. In fact, my track record would certainly prove otherwise. Relationships seemed easier for me when I was a child. I remember being surrounded by friends and family who knew me and there wasn't really anything to hide or any need to hide anything.
In high school it seemed that the circle of people I felt really knew me was getting smaller and smaller. By college I was completely alienated from the comfort of true friends and found myself having great difficulty with developing meaningful relationships. Consequently, this was the beginning of a time of great sadness in my life.
Fortunately, seasons change and life goes on and God has a way of leading us through difficulties and teaching us as we go. And what is it I have learned? What I have learned is that there is still much for me to learn about healthy, deep, fruitful, honest face-to-face relationships -- whether it is with the Highly exalted and Holy Creator God or with a lovely, yet lowly human.
I do know this -- the more honest I am with God and the more time I spend with him in this
vulnerable state of honesty the sweeter the relationship. This sweetness brings me great joy. And there is also immense joy when I find myself willing to relate to other individuals in this same type of honest and vulnerable manner. It has become too exhausting to attempt to relate to God or anyone else with the "fluffed up" version of me. I still try to present the best of me to God and others, but I am no longer under the delusion that I can somehow alter who I am on the inside by what I present on the outside. There are times when the best of me might not look all that great on the outside -- but I figure God and those who are my true friends will be able handle it.
Here in this season of my life, with college long since past, I am finding my circle of meaningful relationships growing. While the circle remains somewhat small it is a fruitful circle and I smile as I sense it growing.
Certainly there are rules of relationship floating around that have been determined by someone more intelligent and eloquent than I. However, I know that I have learned that relationships take time and effort, interest and honesty, a willingness to "show up" and the courage to trust and even be vulnerable. But relationships are worth it!

Eyes to see, Ears to hear

Open my eyes today, Lord. Let me enjoy the beauty of Your creation displayed all around me. But also help me be sensitive to those whose beauty is camouflaged by suffering and pain. Open my ears. May I hear the sweet sound of Your voice among the noise that will accompany my day. Yet, may my ears also be tuned to recognize the desperate cries of loneliness and despair of the broken ones suffering in silence.

Our first year

April 2009 we celebrated our one year anniversary of bringing our 3 children home from Russia. The picture to the left is from April 2008 and the picture on top is from April 2009. It has been a year full of laughter, a year full of tears, many prayers and much bonding.

Borrowing from Charles Dickens, "It was the best of times, it was the worst of times; it was the age of wisdom, it was the age of foolishness; it was the epoch of belief, it was the epoch of incredulity; it was the season of Light, it was the season of Darkness; it was the spring of hope, it was the winter of despair; we had everything before us, we had nothing before us . . ." Obviously our situation does not compare to the story line of Dickens' Tale of Two Cities, but I find myself thinking so often that this is the best of times in the life of our family followed by thoughts that this is the worst of times in the life of our family. Yet overall, I find so much to be grateful for and so much to rejoice about. God has done amazing things in our family and we marvel at His continual outpouring of grace and mercy in our home.

Sometimes I wish we had the tools necessary to gauge our growth. Are we progressing slowly, are we average, or are we speeding along ahead of the norms. In reality, we just plug along one day at a time and trust God to do His work in us in His time.

In some ways it seems we have made tremendous strides in the right direction. Then I have these unbearable moments where I wonder if we've done anything valuable in the lives of our children. It would be impossible to describe briefly the needs we uncover on a daily basis. But we are learning to place all of those needs in the loving and capable hands of the Only One able to meet those needs. And day by day, without fail, He is faithful.

Breath of Heaven

Christmas Cantata 2007

http://www.tangle.com/view_video.php?viewkey=f2c08b50773451b16cb4&sp=1

Back to the Blog

I'm finally back to the blog. I'm also on Facebook. Today I updated my blog with some of my thoughts from FB. The end of school is in two days. I have thoughts from FB to add here: Lord, Your grace has brought us through a year of what appeared to be countless impossibilities. I'm sooooo glad we trusted YOU to provide everything we would need to homeschool our children this year. We not only survived . . . we thrived! You, O Lord, are faithful!!!
I could not have asked for the school year to have gone any better. Kind of hard to believe but I'm actually looking forward to next year -- already. It should be exciting and I look forward to this summer when I can plan and prepare for the Fall. I am extremely proud of all of my children. They have made excellent progress this year.